Summer Lovin'...Almost

I cannot reiterate my annoyance with men enough. Especially when it comes to their utter stupidity.

I've been on several dates with Mr. Beach Bum since Memorial Day weekend. He's tall, charming, super cute, and his last name would sound great with my first name (all the things I'm looking for in a potential mate). Anywho...for the past several dates, things seem to be getting hot and heavy. We haven't done it yet...but we're going to. Next time.

So next time comes around. We're on the beach, full moon, all the typical love making cliches are set in place. We're totally in the moment. Just like the movies and those trashy romance novels. I'm the main character that everyone wants to be.

The only problem with these novels and movies is that there's never any mention of a condom. EVER. Sure, people get knocked up in the movies but they usually don't go into too much detail with STDs and such. It's like they don't exist. I guess it doesn't make for good storytelling. Imagine you're reading this great love story of the century and the main characters have just realized how in love they are and they're about to consummate the relationship and the author is describing in such great detail the look in his eyes and the way she smells and the sound of the condom wrapper being torn open. Mood killer.

Anywho...that's exactly how it was going with me and Beach Bum on the beach. Everything was flowing together until I knew I could live out my romance novel fantasy no longer. I had to kill the mood by telling him to whip out the condom.

At this point you would assume that any sensible 20 something man would reach into his pocket and pull out a condom. You know...since 20 something men should be prepared for these instances. Especially when it was an almost understood and agreed on fact that this was happening here, tonight, with this hot girl you've been discussing doing this with for the past several weeks.

Not so much...

Instead he comes up with...."Oh, so I have to pull out?"

What do you have to do? You have to do what everyone's been telling you to do since high school! You need to put on a damn condom, Lame Brain! Really? How did you make it into your mid 20's and have no idea what you need to do in order to have sex with a girl?! You're so hot! I wanted you! Imbecile!

The main issue that worries me about this is the fact that I'm now left wondering how many girls allowed Beach Bum to take them to the beach and have his way with them on the beach. More importantly, how many other beach bums had they done it with. And why isn't he concerned about the same thing? I'm cute! Isn't he wondering about how many beach bums I've been on the beach with? He doesn't know me! He doesn't even know that I'm writing this blog about how much of a fool he is!

There's an app on Stalkbook called Sexperation. It takes into account when you had sex for the first time, how many partners you've had, how old they were when you slept with them and tells you how many people you've shared sexual partners with. Just like the game about Kevin Bacon. I filled it out with the intention of telling you what number they gave me...but it was too frightening.

Moral of the story? Wear a condom. Tell your sons to wear condoms so they don't look like fools in front of sexy girls they're trying to get with...or they'll be sitting on the beach alone under the full moon with an awkward boner.

They Were Out of Tampons...But I Got You These!

I had to stop and use the bathroom on my way home from a visit with friends. I was a little taken back by what was available for sale inside. I had to do a double take to make sure it was a unisex bathroom and that I wasn't in the wrong one.

Only in a college town would you find this contraption on the wall. Ladies, you know where the tampons and maxis and such should be? Yeah....this is the men's version.
Seriously? What if I was bleeding right through my pants? How would any of this help me? If I were a guy I wouldn't have to worry. For a mere $3 I could be the proud owner of the entire 4 Play Series. I would have one lucky lady waiting for me at home...unless I was sent out for a tampon because she was bleeding through her pants.

On a semi unrelated note...this is what the whole bathroom looked like.That's not just the lighting, folks. That bathroom is painted with a fresh coat of celery green. I've never seen a gas station bathroom that had been cared about so much that someone painted it. I was even more surprised to find that there was no graffiti...and this is a college town. I guess the color choice is in hopes of distracting the ladies from the fact that there are no tampons available.

Go figure

The Hairy Goatman

I say the same thing at work everyday.

"People are either assholes or creepers." (I might copyright that...)

Picture me standing behind the counter when a man comes up to me to purchase a sandwich. It's just a typical transaction...until he opens his mouth.

Creeper: You know, there was something I wanted to tell you but I'm not sure it would be appropriate or not.

Oh Jesus...

Creeper: I was in another convenience store and they had these condoms there...

First of all, usually when someone mentions something about another convenience store it has something to do with prices. "This is cheaper at the other store", they'll say. And I'll just kind of brush it off. This, however, was something I wasn't prepare for and I immediately became uncomfortable (not that it stopped him from continuing).

Creeper: Anyway, you know how the Trojan condoms have the Trojan horse on them?

Ice Queen: I'm aware.

Creeper: Well the name of these condoms were "Hairy Goat Man". Well, you can imagine what was on the cover. ::laughing creepily:: Isn't that a terrible name for a condom? Would you use a condom that's named after a goat?

Ice Queen: No, sir. I can't say that I would.

Creeper: Well, maybe it would be a crazy time but I'm not sure I would take the chance.

Ice Queen: Goodbye, sir.

What the HELL is wrong with people? Do I have a flashing, neon sign above my head that only creepers can see saying "Talk to me about condoms"?? What would posses someone to start this conversation with some random clerk who you DON'T EVEN KNOW!!

I'll admit it...I googled the Hairy Goat Man condoms and didn't find anything. This only confirms the creepiness of this man seeing as how I've come to the conclusion that he made it all up in his head.

It's a LIFESTYLE

I was working my "other job" (yeah, the clerk job) on a Friday night when a man came in wasted. He walks up to the counter and demands to see the "receptionist" (is that my new title).

"WHERE IS THE RECEPTIONIST? I must speak with the receptionist."

I was standing right in front of him.

"Dude, chill out. What do you want?"

He leans over the counter towards me. I immediately go into defense mode ready to beat the crap out of this guy once he tries to touch me.

Drunkard: I need condoms.
Me: So go pick some out.

He got a little nervous since the condoms are off in a corner almost behind our counter.

Drunkard: Can I go get them myself?
Me: Well I'm not going to to it for you.
Drunkard: Don't you have Trojans?
Me: No
Drunkard: I'm not sure if I can trust these Lifestyles. Do you think I should?
Me: That's not a decision I can make for you.
Drunkard: I know...but I'm not sure what I should do...
Me: Well I guess Lifestyles are better than nothing.
Drunkard: You're right. Thank you for your wisdom.

Me: $4.03
Drunkard: Oh my God...I only have $4. What happens now?
Me: Don't worry about it.
Drunkard: You just gave me 3 cents towards sex with a girl I've wanted since high school. I'll never forget you for this!
Me: Please try...

The Dog Ate WHAT??

I got home from work yesterday to find my sister in the kitchen. She was on the phone and her boyfriend was sitting across the table from her while the dog was laying under the kitchen table. The phone conversation was going something like this...

"Yes"
"No, I'm positive he ate it. What should I do?"
"Peroxide?"
"How much?"
"Okay"
"How long should I wait."
"Okay...Thank you."

When she hangs up the phone the three of us are just staring at each other.

Sister: Ice Queen, we have something to tell you.
Me: Oh Jesus...
Sister: Max ate a condom.

A CONDOM???
I just don't get it. So many questions ran through my mind at this moment. Where was the dog while the condom was being used? Was he chilling right next to you watching you do your thing? Where did you put the condom when you were done with it? Did you throw it to him like a frisbee? Fetch, boy! How long did it take you to realize this happened???

I don't think I want to know.

Word to the wise: If your dog ever eats a condom (because apparently this happens all the time) give him two drops of peroxide to induce vomiting. That should do the trick, but if it doesn't then he needs to be rushed to the vet for xrays and surgery.

My poor pup.