The Dog Ate WHAT??

I got home from work yesterday to find my sister in the kitchen. She was on the phone and her boyfriend was sitting across the table from her while the dog was laying under the kitchen table. The phone conversation was going something like this...

"Yes"
"No, I'm positive he ate it. What should I do?"
"Peroxide?"
"How much?"
"Okay"
"How long should I wait."
"Okay...Thank you."

When she hangs up the phone the three of us are just staring at each other.

Sister: Ice Queen, we have something to tell you.
Me: Oh Jesus...
Sister: Max ate a condom.

A CONDOM???
I just don't get it. So many questions ran through my mind at this moment. Where was the dog while the condom was being used? Was he chilling right next to you watching you do your thing? Where did you put the condom when you were done with it? Did you throw it to him like a frisbee? Fetch, boy! How long did it take you to realize this happened???

I don't think I want to know.

Word to the wise: If your dog ever eats a condom (because apparently this happens all the time) give him two drops of peroxide to induce vomiting. That should do the trick, but if it doesn't then he needs to be rushed to the vet for xrays and surgery.

My poor pup.

We're Going to Need Another Bucket

Vet Lady: Hello?
Me: Hello. I brought my dog in yesterday and he was put on some medication for an allergy. He lost control of his bladder.
VL: Are you using puppy pads?
Me: Not in the past 5 years or so. He's 6. He usually holds it and goes outside like every other dog.
VL: Oh, so what happened?
Me: I just told you. He's flooding the kitchen.
VL: Does this happen often?
Me: No! That's why I'm calling you (MORON). I need to know if this is a side effect of the medication or if there's something seriously wrong with the dog.
VL: Well what is he on.
Me: .... and.....
VL: Oh...I'm not familiar with those.

............

Awkward Silence

...........

Me: WELL I THINK YOU SHOULD GO FIND OUT!
VL: Please hold....

...............

VL: He should be okay. The doctor says it's the medication.


Well thank you very much. As long as my dog isn't dying. I guess I'll just clean up the pond on my kitchen floor then...as soon as our butt spray wrestling match is over.

I feel like a WARNING would have been appropriate.