Can't Read My Poker Face

Recently I had the pleasure of my first adult trip to Atlantic City. I was there one other time when I was too young (by too young, I mean that I was 18) to actually touch anything. We walked through the casino and I was forbidden from leaving the carpeted path, keeping me far, far away from the shiny slots.

This time I was allowed to not only walk up to a machine, but touch it, sit down in front of it, put money into it, and even have a beverage while watching "I Dream of Jeanie" suck away my entire paycheck.

Allow me to rewind for a moment...

I'm not really a gambler and I never would have gone to Atlantic City had I not run into a few old high school friends the night before. We found ourselves talking about the job market and how we all have Bachelor degrees and no real job to speak of (at least I'm not the only one). My friend Randy told me that he makes most of his money in AC playing poker. You see, Randy has been playing poker since middle school and I guess he's gotten quite good at it. I mentioned that I've never been to AC and Randy insisted that I join them the next morning. It felt like a challenge and I decided that I couldn't refuse.

Back to AC...

The Borgata was big, beautiful, and shiny...but it didn't like me as much as I liked it. That's right...the Borgata took almost all of my money. What does one do at the Borgata when she has no money left to gamble? At first I found myself thinking, "That's okay. I'll just go outside for a walk and make some new friends. The boardwalk is a fun place." Not so much...mostly because the Borgata is one of the few casinos in AC that are nowhere near the boardwalk. So there I was alone in the middle of the slot machines while Randy & Company were off playing poker. So I did laps around the Borgata and called some friends on the phone to tell them about my foolish gambling decisions.

As I was left to contemplate what happened and where the day went wrong I got a text from Randy. He told me to come join him in the poker room (I think he felt bad for leading me to my financial demise). I find the poker room and (having no money) just sat behind Randy. As we're chatting he whispers into my ear....

Randy: Dude...that guy across the table looks like Nugget.
Ice Queen: Who the hell is Nugget?
Randy: We went to high school with him. Look at the guy...doesn't he look familiar?

He didn't look familiar...but he did look angry. Apparently he was down about $800.

Ice Queen: I guess...
Randy: Take a picture of him.
Ice Queen: What? You want me to ask him for a picture?
Randy: No! You'll have to sneak one with your phone. He's a miserable bastard so he can't know you're doing it.

I know what you're thinking..."Ice Queen, this sounds like a terrible idea and there's no way this could end well for you." I would agree with you. Is it even legal to take a picture during a poker game? I feel like people would think you're cheating somehow and I would be hauled out of the Borgata in cuffs if I got caught.

On the other hand, it felt like a challenge...

Wait, isn't that how I got myself into this mess to begin with? Yes...that's right. Perhaps I should just quit while I'm behind and take it easy with these challenges I felt I was being faced with.
But then again I find it hard to resist a challenge.

PS...I looked up Nugget from high school on Facebook. He totally looked like him.

Made of Ice...but Still Beautiful

I got the Beautiful Heart Award from Katherine over at Another Day, Another Moment. It's nice to know that even though my heart is a frozen block of ice, someone still appreciates me (Katherine's heart, however is NOT made of ice. You should check her out).Anywho, this award comes with some rules so I'll fill you in on what they are...
Instructions:

1. List 4 things that keep your inner self beautiful.
2. List 4 things that keep you physically beautiful.
3. Share this award with 4 other people that you think have a beautiful heart too.
4. Link the blogs of the people you chose and link the person's blog who awarded you.

Inner Beauty:
1. One of the most important things to remember is that life keeps on moving. Life will keep on moving whether you're there for it or not, so be there. You don't want to wake up one day wondering where those bags under your eyes came from and asking what happened to your youth. You want to be the one who remembered making the most of your youth (that's why you now have bags under your eyes...because you had fun...and probably didn't get a lot of sleep).

2. Life's too short to take anything too seriously. At the end of the day, is it really going to matter that the asshole next door plowed his entire property and left a snow pile the size of Everest on the street to take up not one, but 2 parking spaces? No. You're better off letting that one go. In fact, let all the little things like that go. They don't matter.

3. Lately I've been taking on projects to take my mind of things. I've been throwing a few ideas on paper and trying to turn them into some sort of story. Will it be any good? Maybe not, but I feel better for getting it out. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough (or drink enough wine) to show you something...maybe.

4. I often blast old songs from my childhood. My mother and sister roommates aren't too fond of this, but it makes me feel good. Lately I've been listening to this from my middle school days (don't judge me).

Outer Beauty:

1. I think my biggest advantage is that I know how to apply makeup and when to say no to more of it. You may be thinking to yourself, "That's not that hard, Ice Queen!" and I would have to agree with you. However, you'd be surprised at what some of these crazy women look like. I don't think they have mirrors...either that or they're hookers.

2. I try to smile and be happy. It has recently come to my attention that some of the people who come into my store think I'm a bitch right off the bat. It's because I don't smile and for the most part I'm walking around with a puss on my face. It's something I'm working on...although it's really hard when you hate your job. It would really just be easier if people saw me off the clock because then I'm just a pile full of laughs.

3. I don't eat after 8pm. That's pretty much how I gained over 40lbs in college. I stopped and lost it all. People don't realize how miserable it is to be chubby unless you are or were at one point. I get it and I'm not going back.

4. Good genes? =)

Beautiful Hearts
The Queen @ The Queen of WTF?
MG @ Midtown Girl
Missy @ Life in Left Field
Arexisaurus @ A-rexi-saurus

RTT: Secrets of Love

-Remember when I was talking about Penn State giving me transcript troubles? You know, how I placed the order for transcripts to be mailed out 2 weeks ago? Yeah...they never arrived. If I have to face the force of nature to venture up those mountains to State College I'm going to bring a can with me.

-This weekend I spent my first Valentine's Day single in 10 years. Maybe some of you can do the math on that...I'm not that old. I've had a Valentine every year since I was 13.

I thought about writing a post about it....love. I played around with the idea of writing down things men do wrong, but then I came to the realization that maybe men aren't really doing anything wrong. Even if they were, I'm sure they don't care what I have to say about it. Then I heard this song...
Then I realized that there is no secret to love. It just happens. It usually happens when you're not looking for it...at least that's when it happened for me.

-Speaking of Michael Buble...he's my hottie this week (after many weeks without one). I think it's time to bring them back.
- My friend thinks he discovered the secret to love while watching a movie. The problem with this secret is that it doesn't work on yourself...in fact it won't work if you know about it at all. If you know the secret, you must use it selflessly for others. I'll tell you if you want to know...but if you don't then stop reading....

I'll wait...

...are they gone?

Okay! Here it is! The secret to love...

You need to find 2 people in a room/bar/party who have no idea the other one exists. They need to be 2 completely average looking people (Not gorgeous, not fugly) and if one has already noticed the other this won't work. You go up to each one individually and say something like, "See that guy/girl over there? Yeah, that one. He/she told me you were cute." Once you say this to both of them, the wheels will start turning and one will go talk to the other one. Then you just sit back and watch love develop out of thin air. I'm telling you...these two will be together forever. Trust me on this one.

Okay...the rest of you can come back now.

- Have you ever had one of those days when your iPod or iTunes is on shuffle and it just keeps playing all the right songs? Whatever you're feeling at that moment...the iPod just knows. It's creepy. I'm sure Apple will legitimately come out with a product that will read human emotion. Just like how Mercedes came out with a model that senses when you're dozing off at the wheel and wakes you up. Some people think that's really cool. I think it's the creepy. I'm surprised human beings aren't part machine already.

I'm Off the Clock

Work in a convenience store in a small city and people start to notice you.

This is what happens when I try and go out on a Saturday night with friends. I step outside of the grill for some fresh air and this conversation happens...

Jerk: Hey, ShopSmart girl! Can I get a pack of Parliments?

Ice Queen: Hey! Can you go f*** yourself?

I really said that. I need out.

Thanks for Looking Out for the Alumni

Almost a full year after my graduation, Penn State is continuing to make my life way more difficult than it needs to be. I finally got a position in a local school district (it's low on the totem pole, but I guess in tough times we need to start somewhere). While I've technically had this position for several months now, I haven't actually started yet. Apparently when you want to teach they charge lots of money for little things that prove you're not a menace to society.

City Fee: $10 Not too shabby.

County Substitute Certificate: $127 Seriously? The department of education is charging me to work for them?

Fingerprinting: $72.75 This one really annoyed me. I've already been fingerprinted and can be found in the FBI database, but since my prints were taken in Pennsylvania they don't count in New Jersey? Did my DNA make up change when I crossed the state border? That's right, if I commit a crime in any state they can find me based on my PA prints but if I try to do something like get a job, I can't be found. Go figure.

That brings me to a grand total of $209.75. I'm not going to embarrass myself by telling you all how long it takes me to make that much money. Let's just say that I didn't exactly have that much cash on me at the time (and saving for a new car after totaling the one I just put a few hundred dollars of work into kind of added to the money problem).

Wait...I'm forgetting who I'm pissed at right now. Sometimes it's hard to keep track of these sorts of things. So I got all the money and got fingerprinted, drug tested, and was cleared for tuberculosis. Things are wonderful because I don't have to stand behind a counter and be hit on by creepers anymore.

Not so much...

Literally 15 minutes after getting home from the drug test I get a call from the board of education. They won't accept my transcripts and I have to get the original copy sent from Penn State.

Fine.

I go online to try and get my transcripts. My student account has expired and they won't release my transcript over the internet because they don't know if it's really me or not. I had to call them. I HATE when I have to talk to the people from Penn State. They're all either incompetent or just plain nasty.

Incompetent PSU Employee: Penn State Registrar, Jane speaking.

Ice Queen: Hello, Jane. I would like to request a copy of my transcript.

Jane: Any transcript request has to be made online or by mail.

Ice Queen: I'm not a student anymore so I don't have a login. How do I get my transcript?

Jane: Do we have your signature on file?

Ice Queen: I don't know. I went there for 4 years. How could you not have my signature on file?

Jane: (after looking me up) We don't have it. We won't release a transcript without your signature because we don't know if it's really you or not.

Ice Queen: So I have to come up there and sign a paper before you can release my transcript?

Jane: No, you can print out a form online and fax it to us.

That sounds simple, right? They don't know that it's really me when I request the transcript online, but I can request a signature form online, print it out, sign it, fax it and then they'll believe me?

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

HOW DO THEY KNOW IT'S ME WHO SIGNED THE DAMN PAPER AND FAXED IT IN?

All anyone would need to know is my name and student identification number to get that signature form. By the way...both my name and student id number are on file in the alumni directory. I looked myself up since I couldn't remember my student id number.

I guess it doesn't matter who's trying to get my transcript...as long as someone pays the $10 for it.

The Hairy Goatman

I say the same thing at work everyday.

"People are either assholes or creepers." (I might copyright that...)

Picture me standing behind the counter when a man comes up to me to purchase a sandwich. It's just a typical transaction...until he opens his mouth.

Creeper: You know, there was something I wanted to tell you but I'm not sure it would be appropriate or not.

Oh Jesus...

Creeper: I was in another convenience store and they had these condoms there...

First of all, usually when someone mentions something about another convenience store it has something to do with prices. "This is cheaper at the other store", they'll say. And I'll just kind of brush it off. This, however, was something I wasn't prepare for and I immediately became uncomfortable (not that it stopped him from continuing).

Creeper: Anyway, you know how the Trojan condoms have the Trojan horse on them?

Ice Queen: I'm aware.

Creeper: Well the name of these condoms were "Hairy Goat Man". Well, you can imagine what was on the cover. ::laughing creepily:: Isn't that a terrible name for a condom? Would you use a condom that's named after a goat?

Ice Queen: No, sir. I can't say that I would.

Creeper: Well, maybe it would be a crazy time but I'm not sure I would take the chance.

Ice Queen: Goodbye, sir.

What the HELL is wrong with people? Do I have a flashing, neon sign above my head that only creepers can see saying "Talk to me about condoms"?? What would posses someone to start this conversation with some random clerk who you DON'T EVEN KNOW!!

I'll admit it...I googled the Hairy Goat Man condoms and didn't find anything. This only confirms the creepiness of this man seeing as how I've come to the conclusion that he made it all up in his head.

Don't Ring the Bell In Case She's Still Here

Ice Queen: I'm very hungry.

Mom: I know but I didn't go food shopping.

Ice Queen: Can we order something?

Mom: Not until your sister leaves.

Ice Queen: Why?

Mom: Because she'll start a fight and tell me that I don't have money to spend on ordering food.

Ice Queen: Well when is she leaving?

Mom: In a half hour...her boyfriend's taking her to the movies.

Ice Queen: I don't know if I can wait that long...I'm so hungry.

Mom: Go into your room, wait ten minutes, and then order the food. That way it will be here right after she leaves.

Ice Queen: Genius!

The Ice Queen Has Her Day

An old middle school friend and I just recently got back in touch through the glorious Stalkbook. Nancy and I have been trying to make plans to meet up for several months now but our schedules haven't allowed it. When she invited me to her birthday party I absolutely had to attend. I knew it was going to be a night that would go down in history...and it was.

Back Story: When we were in middle school we weren't exactly part of the popular crowd. Most of our wardrobes were composed of hand-me-downs and free T shirts collected after years of field days. I had to be careful what I wore to school since my mother was friends with one of the taller more popular girls. Whenever she grew out of her clothes they went to me and of course she couldn't wait to point that out to the entire grade when I was wearing her outfits that had clearly gone out of style the previous year. (Did I mention we were 12 years old when this was happening? Apparently 12 year olds are very fashion conscious.)

Anywho, I walked into the party and said my hellos to the group. It was within the first ten minutes of the party when Nancy pulled me aside for a little chat...

"You will never guess who our bar maid is..."

It was one of the fashion critics from middle school. I couldn't believe it. Finally! My day had come! All those years of terrible memories of being humiliated and riding the bus home in tears will be worth it! I'm going to have my revenge! (Of course when I say "have my revenge" I really just mean that I'm going to be annoying and ask her for dumb things like napkins and extra silverware that I clearly don't need and only repay her with the bare minimum tip.) That's right! My braces are gone and I'm fabulous (clerk job aside).

As we're standing in a group of middle school alumn, Bar Wench comes over and asks us if we need anything. She immediately realizes that she knows all of us and says hello...to everyone but me. That's right. I was snubbed. This poor girl had no idea what she just did. I'm not the girl with poofy frizz hair and braces anymore...I'm an Ice Queen and she's was about to get the freeze.

The party had a bottle of vodka along with some cranberry and orange juice. We were out of all three...it was show time.

Ice Queen: Excuse me, we're out of Grey Goose. Will you bring us the next bottle?
Wench: Sure (leaves, comes back with bottle)
Ice Queen: Thank you so much! We're also out of cranberry. Will you bring another carafe?
Wench: Okay...I'll be right back. (leaves, comes back with carafe)
Ice Queen: Thanks, but I didn't realize that the birthday girl is more of a Screwdriver drinker. We'll need a carafe of orange juice as well.

At this point she knew what was happening. She's a bitch but she's not dumb. I thought about giving her a break for fear of my beverages being laced with spit, but by that time it was too late. Even the birthday girl was taking advantage. She was several screwdrivers in and was calling out orders.

"Tell her I would like some wine!"

Who am I to say no to the birthday girl?

"Excuse me, bring us a bottle of Chardonnay!"

She brought the bottle and two glasses. By this time the Birthday Girl and the Ice Queen were dancing to the Lady GaGa and got so over excited that the first wine glass shattered to the ground. Birthday Girl was on a role...she pulled over another employee.

"Excuse me, we have broken glass over here. Will you please ask our bar maid to take care of it before one of my guests gets cut?"

Should we have been more mature about the situation at hand and let bygones be bygones? Perhaps. Did Bar Wench learn her lesson? Perhaps. Was it worth it? Absolutely

Please Hold...I'm a Very Busy Girl

Real Facebook status of a former roomie still in college...

Twin #2 is "on hold with student aid... 20 mins and counting"

I remember that. Calling, waiting, asking "where is my money?". My sophomore year I received a letter under my door that read something along the lines of "If the university does not receive $3,000 by Friday 12:00pm you will be asked to evacuate your on campus housing". Thanks guys.

Now my loan company and I have a different relationship. When it's time to pay them back they don't make you wait for hours at a time to talk to someone. You get bumped right to the front of the line. In fact, they're calling me! I'm so popular. I imagine my name, phone number, and social are posted somewhere in their coffee room. I kind of want to repay the favor and put them on hold. We'll make it a true role reversal.

"Thank you for doing business with the Ice Queen. Your call is very important to her and she will be with you shortly."

I remember the days of waking up every morning and checking that email with the subject line "Direct Deposit of Tuition Refund". I think my last year of college was the worst. I was student teaching and started 2 weeks earlier than Penn State. Of course, Penn State didn't care when I started. They weren't going to give me my loan refund until it was convenient enough for them to do so. I worked all summer in my moms office and it was a rough summer for the family so I was splitting most of our household bill with her. I went back to school with a money order for $267.75 for my first month's rent and a $20 bill ($10 of which went into my gas tank immediately upon arriving in my empty apartment).

I had to make it for 2 weeks with that left over money. To this day I couldn't tell you how the hell I did it, but I did. I went to a gas station and bought a bag of pretzels and began rationing them so that my rabbit wouldn't die of starvation. The sign of a true bleeding heart...putting animals before myself.

Now I'm not as broke but I have to say that it's pretty close. It's an interesting feeling when you realize after the fact that everyone in high school was right...you couldn't afford to go to that big name university.

Do I regret it? Not for a second.

It's a LIFESTYLE

I was working my "other job" (yeah, the clerk job) on a Friday night when a man came in wasted. He walks up to the counter and demands to see the "receptionist" (is that my new title).

"WHERE IS THE RECEPTIONIST? I must speak with the receptionist."

I was standing right in front of him.

"Dude, chill out. What do you want?"

He leans over the counter towards me. I immediately go into defense mode ready to beat the crap out of this guy once he tries to touch me.

Drunkard: I need condoms.
Me: So go pick some out.

He got a little nervous since the condoms are off in a corner almost behind our counter.

Drunkard: Can I go get them myself?
Me: Well I'm not going to to it for you.
Drunkard: Don't you have Trojans?
Me: No
Drunkard: I'm not sure if I can trust these Lifestyles. Do you think I should?
Me: That's not a decision I can make for you.
Drunkard: I know...but I'm not sure what I should do...
Me: Well I guess Lifestyles are better than nothing.
Drunkard: You're right. Thank you for your wisdom.

Me: $4.03
Drunkard: Oh my God...I only have $4. What happens now?
Me: Don't worry about it.
Drunkard: You just gave me 3 cents towards sex with a girl I've wanted since high school. I'll never forget you for this!
Me: Please try...

The Dog Ate WHAT??

I got home from work yesterday to find my sister in the kitchen. She was on the phone and her boyfriend was sitting across the table from her while the dog was laying under the kitchen table. The phone conversation was going something like this...

"Yes"
"No, I'm positive he ate it. What should I do?"
"Peroxide?"
"How much?"
"Okay"
"How long should I wait."
"Okay...Thank you."

When she hangs up the phone the three of us are just staring at each other.

Sister: Ice Queen, we have something to tell you.
Me: Oh Jesus...
Sister: Max ate a condom.

A CONDOM???
I just don't get it. So many questions ran through my mind at this moment. Where was the dog while the condom was being used? Was he chilling right next to you watching you do your thing? Where did you put the condom when you were done with it? Did you throw it to him like a frisbee? Fetch, boy! How long did it take you to realize this happened???

I don't think I want to know.

Word to the wise: If your dog ever eats a condom (because apparently this happens all the time) give him two drops of peroxide to induce vomiting. That should do the trick, but if it doesn't then he needs to be rushed to the vet for xrays and surgery.

My poor pup.

Where the Hell Have I Been?...Not Joy Riding

-I hope every single one of you had a very Merry Christmas and are enjoying your wonderful New Year! I have a feeling 2010 is gonna rock the house.

-Life has been taking one crap after another lately. I believe the last time we spoke I had strep, yes? Yeah, well since then I've had wisdom teeth out, been traumatized by the New York Giants, and totaled my car. Fun times.

The removal of my wisdom teeth went according to plan. Quick and very painful. Eh, what can you do?

The Giants just let me down. I just don't even know what to say. I guess they learned a thing or two from the Mets. Maybe it's just me bringing terrible luck to any sports team I choose to root for. Eh, what can you do?

My car was another story. Henry was my baby. He was the first adult purchase (other than my education) that I made and he was all mine. Registered and insured in my name. The whole package. I crashed on New Year's Eve and the first thing people say to you when you tell them this is "Were you drinking?". Just because it happened on that day it's automatically a result of my own stupid decision making. I'll have you know that I wasn't drinking. It happened at 2:30 in the afternoon and it was sleeting at the time. The cars in front of me stopped short and I slid on black ice. I wasn't texting. I wasn't changing the song on my ipod. I wasn't looking for someting frivilous in my purse. I just couldn't stop. Before I knew it the butt of a Mercedes Benz SUV turned my hood into an accordian and there were small flames. I didn't notice them until a man was running over with a fire extinguisher.

I will also have you know that I didn't cry. I guess it all happened too fast and I realized crying wouldn't solve anything. I guess I could have died so I can't really complain. Eh, what can you do?

Nothing.

I think the worst part about totaling my car is that fact that I keep forgetting it happened. I had this conversation with my mother last night...

Mother: What are you going to do tomorrow?
Me: I'm gonna go get the rest of the stuff out of my car.
Mother: Who's taking you?
Me: What do you mean? I was just going to go myself.
Mother: ::stares blankly at me::
Me: Oh...yeah.

A similar conversation took place with a coworker...
Coworker: How are you getting in tomorrow?
Me: The same way I get in everyday.
Coworker: ::stares blankly::
Me: Oh...yeah.

So, let's recap my status shall we? I'm a college graduate who can barely afford to make a payment at the end of the month, I live in my mother's house, and I have no car. Thank the good Lord I'm adorable because otherwise I'm not sure I would have made it this far in life.