Wednesday, July 27, 2011

He Digs the Crazy Bitch Thing


My friend Eva swears that if you act like a crazy, wild animal guys are really into it. They become infatuated with you and can't get enough. They call and text you all day everyday and just wait at home until you decide you want to see them.

This was never the approach that I took in the dating game, but after this story I'm beginning to think she has a point.

Eva has been dating a guy named Neil for a month or two now and we're not sure how we feel about him. In the beginning he was super attentive and sweet and caring and while he still seems nice enough, we're thinking that after two months and a weekend trip full of gambling and sex, we think we want a little more from Neil. Never has he brought up being exclusive or made a move onto the next phase of the relationship and we don't like it. Yet Eva continues on.

Eva took a weekend trip to Philly. Her friend had booked it months ago for her then boyfriend and invited Eva after she discovered the scumbag was cheating on her. They had a hotel suite, comped drinks, VIP tickets to clubs, the works.

Needless to say they got a little crazy.

So...Eva was supposed to see Neil Thursday night before leaving for her Philly trip Friday morning but he bailed...and that made Eva angry. After a long Friday afternoon of drinking by the pool and soaking up the sun, Eva got the nerve to call Neil and see exactly what he was up to.

Neil: Hey Babe, what's up?

Eva: Don't "babe" me! What are you doing?

Neil: Watching tv with Jay.

Eva: Who the f*** is Jay?!

Neil: My've met him about a dozen times.

Eva: Let me speak to him!

Let me first remind you that Eva is NOT Neil's girlfriend. He has never asked her to be his girlfriend and probably never will after the phone calls and text messages that will be sent over this weekend.

Jay: Uh....hello?

Eva: Hello? Is this Jay?

Jay: Yeah

Eva: You don't sound sure.

Jay: I'm sure. I'm Jay.

Eva: Prove it

Jay: It's Jay. I don't know how to prove it to you.

Eva: Fine...I believe you. Are you with a girl?

Jay: No

Eva: Is there a girl there? Are you sure? Was there a girl there last night? Was she still there this morning? I'll f***ing find out if you're lying!

Jay: I'm not lying. There are no girls here.

Eva: So there were girls there before? I want her mother f***ing name!

Jay: There is no name. There was no girl.

Eva: Fine!

She hangs up. At this point Neil calls her several times and she just keeps denying the call. He probably wants to tell her that she's psycho. She eventually texts him telling him to come down to Philly and party with her and her heartbroken friend. He texts back declining her invitation since he has already made plans with Jay for the evening. Then she really starts shit...

"I can break plans with me, but not with your stupid f***ing friends."

Neil doesn't even respond to this text message. Why would he? She attacked the Bromance. The unspoken rule of dating is to not speak against the Bromance (at least not until after the wedding). If this relationship wasn't done already, it definitely is now. She's one of my best friends and I'm beginning to think she's dangerously crossing the line into "clinger" territory.

As if that wasn't enough, Eva is more angered by the fact that she doesn't hear a response from Neil all day. So she waits until it's late enough in the evening that she knows for a fact he's either sleeping or in bed with someone else when she calls to leave her voicemail. But wait...she's on vacation with her heartbroken friend so she feels the need to chime in with her 2 cents as well!

"Hey, Neil. It's Eva. I just....(F*** YOU NEIL!)...Shutup! I'm trying to be nice. I just wanted to call you back and tell you that I'm sorry for what I said earlier...(NO! YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT!)...He can hear you! Anyway...I'm sorry for what I said. You should have a good time with Jay (F*** YOU ASSHOLE!) if that's how you would like to spend your weekend. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight!"

Yeah...I listened to a recording of this message and I couldn't make sense of it. I told her that she didn't just burn the bridge, but collapsed all the tunnels and destroyed all the boats as well. There is no way this guy is ever going to speak to you again. Then she tells me about the voicemail he left her the next day.

"I always have the most interesting voicemails waiting from you on Sunday mornings. I hope you enjoyed your trip. Give me a call when you get back and we'll get dinner. Talk to you soon."

What. the. F***?


blueviolet said...

That doesn't even make sense! Most people would run for the hills and put out a restraining order on that kind of crazy!

He must be one of those rare ones who gets off on volatile relationships?

AshR said...

Woah, how is this even possible? Crazy emotional outbursts were what I used whenever I wanted a guy to break up with me. (And I'm proud to report that they worked every single time!)