Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Hairy Goatman

I say the same thing at work everyday.

"People are either assholes or creepers." (I might copyright that...)

Picture me standing behind the counter when a man comes up to me to purchase a sandwich. It's just a typical transaction...until he opens his mouth.

Creeper: You know, there was something I wanted to tell you but I'm not sure it would be appropriate or not.

Oh Jesus...

Creeper: I was in another convenience store and they had these condoms there...

First of all, usually when someone mentions something about another convenience store it has something to do with prices. "This is cheaper at the other store", they'll say. And I'll just kind of brush it off. This, however, was something I wasn't prepare for and I immediately became uncomfortable (not that it stopped him from continuing).

Creeper: Anyway, you know how the Trojan condoms have the Trojan horse on them?

Ice Queen: I'm aware.

Creeper: Well the name of these condoms were "Hairy Goat Man". Well, you can imagine what was on the cover. ::laughing creepily:: Isn't that a terrible name for a condom? Would you use a condom that's named after a goat?

Ice Queen: No, sir. I can't say that I would.

Creeper: Well, maybe it would be a crazy time but I'm not sure I would take the chance.

Ice Queen: Goodbye, sir.

What the HELL is wrong with people? Do I have a flashing, neon sign above my head that only creepers can see saying "Talk to me about condoms"?? What would posses someone to start this conversation with some random clerk who you DON'T EVEN KNOW!!

I'll admit it...I googled the Hairy Goat Man condoms and didn't find anything. This only confirms the creepiness of this man seeing as how I've come to the conclusion that he made it all up in his head.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Don't Ring the Bell In Case She's Still Here

Ice Queen: I'm very hungry.

Mom: I know but I didn't go food shopping.

Ice Queen: Can we order something?

Mom: Not until your sister leaves.

Ice Queen: Why?

Mom: Because she'll start a fight and tell me that I don't have money to spend on ordering food.

Ice Queen: Well when is she leaving?

Mom: In a half hour...her boyfriend's taking her to the movies.

Ice Queen: I don't know if I can wait that long...I'm so hungry.

Mom: Go into your room, wait ten minutes, and then order the food. That way it will be here right after she leaves.

Ice Queen: Genius!

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Ice Queen Has Her Day

An old middle school friend and I just recently got back in touch through the glorious Stalkbook. Nancy and I have been trying to make plans to meet up for several months now but our schedules haven't allowed it. When she invited me to her birthday party I absolutely had to attend. I knew it was going to be a night that would go down in history...and it was.

Back Story: When we were in middle school we weren't exactly part of the popular crowd. Most of our wardrobes were composed of hand-me-downs and free T shirts collected after years of field days. I had to be careful what I wore to school since my mother was friends with one of the taller more popular girls. Whenever she grew out of her clothes they went to me and of course she couldn't wait to point that out to the entire grade when I was wearing her outfits that had clearly gone out of style the previous year. (Did I mention we were 12 years old when this was happening? Apparently 12 year olds are very fashion conscious.)

Anywho, I walked into the party and said my hellos to the group. It was within the first ten minutes of the party when Nancy pulled me aside for a little chat...

"You will never guess who our bar maid is..."

It was one of the fashion critics from middle school. I couldn't believe it. Finally! My day had come! All those years of terrible memories of being humiliated and riding the bus home in tears will be worth it! I'm going to have my revenge! (Of course when I say "have my revenge" I really just mean that I'm going to be annoying and ask her for dumb things like napkins and extra silverware that I clearly don't need and only repay her with the bare minimum tip.) That's right! My braces are gone and I'm fabulous (clerk job aside).

As we're standing in a group of middle school alumn, Bar Wench comes over and asks us if we need anything. She immediately realizes that she knows all of us and says everyone but me. That's right. I was snubbed. This poor girl had no idea what she just did. I'm not the girl with poofy frizz hair and braces anymore...I'm an Ice Queen and she's was about to get the freeze.

The party had a bottle of vodka along with some cranberry and orange juice. We were out of all was show time.

Ice Queen: Excuse me, we're out of Grey Goose. Will you bring us the next bottle?
Wench: Sure (leaves, comes back with bottle)
Ice Queen: Thank you so much! We're also out of cranberry. Will you bring another carafe?
Wench: Okay...I'll be right back. (leaves, comes back with carafe)
Ice Queen: Thanks, but I didn't realize that the birthday girl is more of a Screwdriver drinker. We'll need a carafe of orange juice as well.

At this point she knew what was happening. She's a bitch but she's not dumb. I thought about giving her a break for fear of my beverages being laced with spit, but by that time it was too late. Even the birthday girl was taking advantage. She was several screwdrivers in and was calling out orders.

"Tell her I would like some wine!"

Who am I to say no to the birthday girl?

"Excuse me, bring us a bottle of Chardonnay!"

She brought the bottle and two glasses. By this time the Birthday Girl and the Ice Queen were dancing to the Lady GaGa and got so over excited that the first wine glass shattered to the ground. Birthday Girl was on a role...she pulled over another employee.

"Excuse me, we have broken glass over here. Will you please ask our bar maid to take care of it before one of my guests gets cut?"

Should we have been more mature about the situation at hand and let bygones be bygones? Perhaps. Did Bar Wench learn her lesson? Perhaps. Was it worth it? Absolutely

Monday, January 11, 2010

Please Hold...I'm a Very Busy Girl

Real Facebook status of a former roomie still in college...

Twin #2 is "on hold with student aid... 20 mins and counting"

I remember that. Calling, waiting, asking "where is my money?". My sophomore year I received a letter under my door that read something along the lines of "If the university does not receive $3,000 by Friday 12:00pm you will be asked to evacuate your on campus housing". Thanks guys.

Now my loan company and I have a different relationship. When it's time to pay them back they don't make you wait for hours at a time to talk to someone. You get bumped right to the front of the line. In fact, they're calling me! I'm so popular. I imagine my name, phone number, and social are posted somewhere in their coffee room. I kind of want to repay the favor and put them on hold. We'll make it a true role reversal.

"Thank you for doing business with the Ice Queen. Your call is very important to her and she will be with you shortly."

I remember the days of waking up every morning and checking that email with the subject line "Direct Deposit of Tuition Refund". I think my last year of college was the worst. I was student teaching and started 2 weeks earlier than Penn State. Of course, Penn State didn't care when I started. They weren't going to give me my loan refund until it was convenient enough for them to do so. I worked all summer in my moms office and it was a rough summer for the family so I was splitting most of our household bill with her. I went back to school with a money order for $267.75 for my first month's rent and a $20 bill ($10 of which went into my gas tank immediately upon arriving in my empty apartment).

I had to make it for 2 weeks with that left over money. To this day I couldn't tell you how the hell I did it, but I did. I went to a gas station and bought a bag of pretzels and began rationing them so that my rabbit wouldn't die of starvation. The sign of a true bleeding heart...putting animals before myself.

Now I'm not as broke but I have to say that it's pretty close. It's an interesting feeling when you realize after the fact that everyone in high school was couldn't afford to go to that big name university.

Do I regret it? Not for a second.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


I was working my "other job" (yeah, the clerk job) on a Friday night when a man came in wasted. He walks up to the counter and demands to see the "receptionist" (is that my new title).

"WHERE IS THE RECEPTIONIST? I must speak with the receptionist."

I was standing right in front of him.

"Dude, chill out. What do you want?"

He leans over the counter towards me. I immediately go into defense mode ready to beat the crap out of this guy once he tries to touch me.

Drunkard: I need condoms.
Me: So go pick some out.

He got a little nervous since the condoms are off in a corner almost behind our counter.

Drunkard: Can I go get them myself?
Me: Well I'm not going to to it for you.
Drunkard: Don't you have Trojans?
Me: No
Drunkard: I'm not sure if I can trust these Lifestyles. Do you think I should?
Me: That's not a decision I can make for you.
Drunkard: I know...but I'm not sure what I should do...
Me: Well I guess Lifestyles are better than nothing.
Drunkard: You're right. Thank you for your wisdom.

Me: $4.03
Drunkard: Oh my God...I only have $4. What happens now?
Me: Don't worry about it.
Drunkard: You just gave me 3 cents towards sex with a girl I've wanted since high school. I'll never forget you for this!
Me: Please try...

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Dog Ate WHAT??

I got home from work yesterday to find my sister in the kitchen. She was on the phone and her boyfriend was sitting across the table from her while the dog was laying under the kitchen table. The phone conversation was going something like this...

"No, I'm positive he ate it. What should I do?"
"How much?"
"How long should I wait."
"Okay...Thank you."

When she hangs up the phone the three of us are just staring at each other.

Sister: Ice Queen, we have something to tell you.
Me: Oh Jesus...
Sister: Max ate a condom.

I just don't get it. So many questions ran through my mind at this moment. Where was the dog while the condom was being used? Was he chilling right next to you watching you do your thing? Where did you put the condom when you were done with it? Did you throw it to him like a frisbee? Fetch, boy! How long did it take you to realize this happened???

I don't think I want to know.

Word to the wise: If your dog ever eats a condom (because apparently this happens all the time) give him two drops of peroxide to induce vomiting. That should do the trick, but if it doesn't then he needs to be rushed to the vet for xrays and surgery.

My poor pup.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Where the Hell Have I Been?...Not Joy Riding

-I hope every single one of you had a very Merry Christmas and are enjoying your wonderful New Year! I have a feeling 2010 is gonna rock the house.

-Life has been taking one crap after another lately. I believe the last time we spoke I had strep, yes? Yeah, well since then I've had wisdom teeth out, been traumatized by the New York Giants, and totaled my car. Fun times.

The removal of my wisdom teeth went according to plan. Quick and very painful. Eh, what can you do?

The Giants just let me down. I just don't even know what to say. I guess they learned a thing or two from the Mets. Maybe it's just me bringing terrible luck to any sports team I choose to root for. Eh, what can you do?

My car was another story. Henry was my baby. He was the first adult purchase (other than my education) that I made and he was all mine. Registered and insured in my name. The whole package. I crashed on New Year's Eve and the first thing people say to you when you tell them this is "Were you drinking?". Just because it happened on that day it's automatically a result of my own stupid decision making. I'll have you know that I wasn't drinking. It happened at 2:30 in the afternoon and it was sleeting at the time. The cars in front of me stopped short and I slid on black ice. I wasn't texting. I wasn't changing the song on my ipod. I wasn't looking for someting frivilous in my purse. I just couldn't stop. Before I knew it the butt of a Mercedes Benz SUV turned my hood into an accordian and there were small flames. I didn't notice them until a man was running over with a fire extinguisher.

I will also have you know that I didn't cry. I guess it all happened too fast and I realized crying wouldn't solve anything. I guess I could have died so I can't really complain. Eh, what can you do?


I think the worst part about totaling my car is that fact that I keep forgetting it happened. I had this conversation with my mother last night...

Mother: What are you going to do tomorrow?
Me: I'm gonna go get the rest of the stuff out of my car.
Mother: Who's taking you?
Me: What do you mean? I was just going to go myself.
Mother: ::stares blankly at me::
Me: Oh...yeah.

A similar conversation took place with a coworker...
Coworker: How are you getting in tomorrow?
Me: The same way I get in everyday.
Coworker: ::stares blankly::
Me: Oh...yeah.

So, let's recap my status shall we? I'm a college graduate who can barely afford to make a payment at the end of the month, I live in my mother's house, and I have no car. Thank the good Lord I'm adorable because otherwise I'm not sure I would have made it this far in life.