Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanks Simple Things!

I've decided to compile a list of things I'm thankful for. My friend asked me what I was thankful for the other day and of course I was about to rattle through all those things we all say we're thankful for...

Me: I'm thankful for my family, friends...
Friend: No...we're all thankful for those things. What are the simple things you're thankful for? I'm thankful for pockets.
Me: Pockets?
Friend: Yes, pockets. Sometimes I don't have enough stuff to carry a whole bag. My pockets are perfect.

So here are the simple things in life that I'm thankful for.

-I'm thankful that my town's police department still breaks into cars with manual locks.

-I'm thankful my car has manual locks.

-I'm thankful that most food is microwavable and I don't actually have to cook it since I'm so bad at it.

-I'm thankful that the New York Giants finally won a football game.

-I'm thankful that I can look up a song title and artist with only one little obscure lyric from that song. If I don't know does.

-I'm thankful that somewhere along the course of human history, someone came up with idea of domesticating dogs. I love my dog. I think that was a great idea! I imagine that in some small village somewhere, the town idiot was in the woods and came across a wolf. Everyone else was afraid of the wolf but this crazy loon said to himself, "Hey! I want one!" Think about it...they probably wanted to lock this guy up for insanity. A wolf? As a pet?

I'm also thankful that I can make up crazy reasons like this to explain the domestication of animals.

-I'm thankful that I've realized I'm young and will no longer base my life around my second job's work schedule. I'm going to go out on the weekends and I'll suck it up and go to work the next day. I'm young and I need to take advantage of it.

-I'm thankful that I never had an acne problem.

-I'm thankful that I'm strong enough to not allow PETA to ruin my turkey consumption.

-I'm thankful that Ben Franklin did not succeed in naming the turkey as the national bird of the United States. If he had, we would probably be eating eagle instead and that just doesn't sound as delicious.

What are some of the simple things you're thankful for? mushy stuff.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

RTT: Oh, Eli

- Hottie of the Week: Eli Manning. That's right folks. The New York Giants have finally won a damn football game. Let me tell feels good. I'm convinced it's because Sunday was my mother's birthday. I told her that this was one of the best gifts she got this year. Eli loves his future mother in law and he would never lose on her birthday.Enough with the creepiness though...he's adorable. How can you not love this?
She said he's adorable...and she's right! Yum!

- I heard somewhere that the average American locks his or her keys in the car twice in their life. I've already done it 4 times (3 of them were this year alone). Techinically that means I've done it enough for me and someone else. Someone in this country will never lock their keys in the car thanks to me. I expect a thank you gift. I saved you about $90.

Update: I locked my keys in my car AGAIN TODAY!! RIGHT AFTER POSTING THIS!

- Does anyone have an Amazon Kindle? I think that's so clever and I really want one. They're still pricey though. Perhaps I can lock my keys in my car a few more times to save others from the pain and then they can all go in on buying one for me. That was a logical thought process, right?

Check out UnMom for the original

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Dear Me

I saw that Otin did one of these a while back and I absolutely fell in love with the idea. Only problem was I had trouble figuring out what I would say to myself but I think I've come up with something.

Dear Past Self,

Damn, you're cute.

I know you think you're chubby and you walk around that high school keeping to yourself but you should really let go every once in a while. I hate to break it to you but once you get to college you're gonna make some bad partying decisions and pack on 50lbs. Don't panic! You'll lose most of it but you'll never have that perfect high school curve ever again so skip the tankini and go for the string bikini instead. You will not regret this decision.

When you get to college there will be a lot of choices you'll have to make. I thought about telling you to avoid certain people but then decided against it. Knowing you, you'll over think it and f*** everything up for us. I don't want you to do that. Just go with your gut and don't ever let anyone tell you what to do. You'll be okay.

A Wiser Version of Yourself


Dear Current Self,

Damn, you're cute.

It's been a long road hasn't it? I can't believe we've made it this far and lived to tell the tale (and what a tale it is).

There are a lot of things you're questioning right now. Did you make the right decisions? What if you did that other thing instead? Personally, I don't think all of these "what if"s are going to get us anywhere. This is the way things are, but this isn't the way things will stay forever. We need to keep our head up and keep moving on. You'll be okay.

Your Crazy Self


Dear Future Self,

Damn, I hope you're still cute.

I also hope we have a cute husband, cute kids, cute dog, and cute house. I also hope that I did not depress you due to the fact that you have none of those things. If you don't, then I'm sure there's still time. No one specified just how far in the future you are.

Remember the student teaching dinner when that middle school principal told us that the only way to keep our sanity is to keep doing what we enjoy doing? Follow his directions. Keep doing the writing thing. We enjoy it and it's helped us over the past year.

Maybe you're not young anymore and I know that you're a little sad about that, but we had fun dammit! We had our day and now it is time to pass the torch on to the next generation. Don't be that old person who is still wearing my clothes. They don't look as cute on you as they did on me.

Also, continue to keep your head up. It's gotten us pretty far until now. You'll be okay.

You are okay, right??

A More Foolish Version of Yourself

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Have You Met My Best Frenemy?

I wrote this on my old blog last year and a lot of my readers enjoyed it (which isn't saying much because I think I only had 8 or so at the time). Anywho, I've read a few posts about frenemies and I wanted to share my own insights. That's when I realized I already did.

So here's a snipit from the old blog (don't you love how I'm slowly giving away my identity?). Hope you enjoy!

My mentor and I were having a conversation today about two of the girls in our class. Sara and Alana are best friends. Today at recess Sara was playing with a bug she had found and Alana came over and stomped on it. In a typical kindergarten fashion, they both came over to tell us about it. Once they walked away I turned to my mentor and said that they’re destined to be life long frenemies. After a minute or so of hysterical laughter, she convinced me to write a blog about it.

Frenemy: (n) Someone who is both a friend and enemy, a relationship that is both mutually beneficial or dependent while being competitive, fraught with risk and mistrust.

Of course, I continued this conversation with a friend of mine. Being of the male gender, he was completely confused by the entire idea of a frenemy. I don’t blame him…it’s something that I don’t quite understand myself. One of the most interesting things about frenemies is that they seem to be female, therefore boys do not understand them. “I don’t get it,” a boy may say, “if you don’t like someone then don’t be friends with them.” Silly boys, if only it were that simple.

I have to admit that I’ve had my fair share of frenemies in my past. In fact, I can remember having frenemies way back in first grade. If you’re a girl, frenemies are just a part of life. The worst part about frenemies is that as much as you want to cut them out of your life, you realize that you need them for something. Maybe she has the best toys? Maybe you need her to pass a class? Maybe she has a really cute brother? Maybe she knows your deepest darkest secret and you cannot afford to make her angry? (This one has always been my downfall.) Whatever the reason it’s not a situation a girl enjoys getting into. Luckily, I’ve compiled a list of things to look out for when trying to avoid frenemies.


First Grade Frenemy: This is the girl in the class who likes to buy friends. Sure, she offers you her Beauty and the Beast pencil…little do you know she’s about to go tell the teacher that you stole it from her! Don’t worry though…she’ll always offer you some of her snack at lunch to make up for any confusion.

Fifth Grade Frenemy: This is the girl who calls you on the phone so that the two of you can take about how much you hate Paige…little do you know that she has Paige on three way and she’s listening to the whole conversation! Don’t worry though…she’ll invite you over to her pool party to make up for any confusion.

Ninth Grade Frenemy: This is the girl who you confess your undying love for the guy in fourth period to. She’ll promise you to put in a good word since she sits behind him…little do you know that she secretly wants him for herself and eventually you’ll find them making out at the next hockey game. Don’t worry though…she’ll get her hot brother to ask you out in order to make up for any confusion.

College Frenemy: This is the girl who likes to go out and have a good time. She’ll invite you out with her and some other friends so that you can have a bonding experience…little do you know she’s about to leave you stranded with her boyfriend’s creepy cousin and no way home. Don’t worry though…she’ll buy the next round in order to make up for any confusion.

This is where my frenemy experience ends. I’m sure I’m bound to have many more as I continue on the journey of life. You’d think a girl would learn…

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

That Would Look Much Cuter on Me

I am the master of getting things I want.

When I say "things I want" it usually means that I want to get my hands on one of those tshirts that the Bud Light girls are throwing around the bar. Unfortunately, the Bud Light girls never throw a tshirt to me (I knew there was a reason I like the Bacardi girls better). They do however throw a shirt to the guy right next to me.

Me: I wanted one. I can't believe that bee-otch didn't throw me a tshirt...again!
My Super Gay BFF: Tell the guy next to you that you want his.
Me: Would that be mean?
SGBFF: Of course...but who cares?

Me: ::tap on the shoulder:: Excuse me...what's your name?
Tshirt Guy: Who me?
Me: Yes, you! ::giggle::
Tshirt Guy: Mike
Me: Hi, Mike. I'm Ice Queen. I think you should give me that tshirt.
Tshirt Guy: This one? What will I get out of this deal?
Me: Ummm...I have some gum?
Tshirt Guy: I'm kidding. You don't have to give me your gum. Here you go. ::hands tshirt over::

Now that was almost too easy

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

RTT: Elmo Started a Fire on My Blog

- My new favorite text:

"IQ, I looked up South Jersey on Facebook and he has the corniest pic sticking his tongue in his young gf's mouth with his perfect gay eyebrows"

...good to know I'm not the only one with a Facebook problem.

- It seems that everyone is upgrading their blogs and making them all fancy. I think I want a fancy blog too. I'm just not sure where to begin or how to do all that coding and designing and stuff. I guess I'll just stick with my plain jane look.

-My new favorite guy quote:

"He said her ass was too big but I didn't think so. I mean, she had a booty but it was tight."

...yeah, I need more girlfriends.

- I wish fishnets were socially acceptable. I wore them with my Halloween costume and I found them to be very flattering. I'm not crazy about my legs but these made them look AMAZING!

-Hottie of the Week: I swear Rob Lowe does not age. I wasn't sure if I should post an old picture or a new picture of him and that's when I realized it. This man made a deal with Lucifer and he made it at the perfect moment in his life...right after "St. Elmo's Fire". All the pictures are the same with different haircuts. That's something you can depend on...yum!
- The lovely Rebel Mother loves my blog! This is a huge honor seeing as how I love her blog (and so should you)! If I follow you, I love your blog too so you can scoop this up. Don't be like me...everytime someone posts that on their blog I get too shy and don't take it. I think something like "Surely, they're refering to everyone but me". In this case, I'm talking to you ;-)

Go ahead...I know you want it.

Check out UnMom for the original Random Tuesday Thoughts

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

They Haven't Discovered a Big Enough Diamond for Me

I've honestly lost track of the number of girls my age who have gotten married since high school. I have a serious bone to pick with these chicks! I understand that you found the love of your life and are just chomping at the bit to have at least 3 more of his kids to add to the 2 you already have but enough is enough! Just because you want to play house doesn't mean I have to do it with you.

Every time I run into someone it's the same comments over and over...

"Are you engaged yet?"
"Where's the ring?"
"When's the wedding?"
"When are you going to settle down?"
"When I was your age I was pregnant with baby #2."

I can't take it anymore. Get off me! There are several reasons why I'm not engaged and I feel that they are very well thought out reasons. Allow me to share them with you.

1. I don't know any man in my age bracket who can afford the diamond I want. I've designed several engagement rings that I would like to have and the cheapest one came to about $10,500. I wasn't even that crazy about it once everything was all said and done.

2. I don't want to cook. I can't cook. I don't cook for myself let alone someone else. I'm just not sure if I could live with someone else's growling stomach hanging over my head. I can't deal with the pressure.

3. I don't want a baby. Don't get me wrong...I love kids. I enjoy my friends' babies. I may even babysit them if I'm feeling spicy! I love kids so much that I spent about $100K so that I could become qualified to work with them all day long, but when all is said and done I come home at the end of the day and it's quiet. I like not having to unplug the safety protectors off my outlets when I want to use them. I like knowing that if I drop a book of matches on the floor that I can leave them there until I feel like picking them up. I like being able to go to the mall without lugging a 20lb diaper bag and stroller along with me. I'm a hot mess and for me to have a baby along with it would just be a danger to our nations youth. I don't want to be responsible for ruining the future.

4. I'm still debating between a super expensive glamorous wedding or eloping at a little beach resort. I've been debating this for a long time and I don't plan on deciding anytime soon. A ring on my finger would only push the decision and I would make the wrong choice for the wrong reasons. Why would you want me to live with that?

Don't take this the wrong way. I have no problem with people my age who are married. I know a few that are very happy and they're great together. I'm just saying that it's not for me so don't force it down my throat. Chill with that sh**!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

RTT: Enough With the Yankees

- I was really feeling down because apparently all of my favorite sports teams are crap. However, I've come to the conclusion that the Giants are losing because Eli Manning is jealous of my newfound love for Jensen Ackles. I'd like to see them fight about jello.

- I think I need to stop watching soap operas. I'm obsessed with One Life to Live and I'm beginning to find connections between the show and my real life. I'm not quite sure that's normal. However, Hottie of the Week Alum Matt Walton is on it so I guess I can't complain.

- Hottie of the Week: Robert Buckley from One Tree Hill. He's hot and he's broken. Something about a guy still in love with his dead ex wife makes my heart melt. I just want to fix him...yum!
- The Yankees won the World Series. Woohoo! Now I can finally go back to hating them. The world is normal again. It's clear that New York favors the Yankees over my Mets. It's not right but it's something I've learned to live with. I've already predicted next year's match up.That's right, folks. You heard it here first.

- I worked an overnight last week at the convenience store. I wasn't meant for them. It was pretty terrible. A drunk guy came in. He was about my age and only moderately obnoxious. He told me this whole story about how he works in a doctor's office cleaning up poop for 7.50 an hour. If I were him, I'd probably drink a lot too.

- This lovely award was bestowed upon my lovely blog by the lovely Theresa over at An Officer and a Garbage Can. Perhaps you've seen her in my comments if you haven't seen her blog already. She really is lovely!Passing this one on to...
Crazy Charm
NYC Housewife in Training
Midtown Girl
Martinis or Diaper Genies?

Can't get enough of these random little tidbits I like to call "thoughts"? Check out UnMom for more.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

RTT: Team Brenda

-I hate Maroon 5. I know everyone's really into them and their lyrics speak to so many people, but I really don't give a shit. I don't like Adam Lavigne. I don't think he's hot. I don't like the sound of his voice and to be completely honest with you...I'm 83% convinced he's a total douche.

-Hottie of the Week: Ryan Reynolds. I just saw The Proposal this weekend and couldn't stop thinking of Joanie. I've loved him since "Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place". Does anyone remember this show? No? That's wasn't very good. Ryan was the only reason it lasted as long as it did.
Now I realize why she was going on about that shower scene for weeks on end...yum!

-Does anyone watch the new 90210? Kelly Taylor is still a skank. Yeah...I said it. Team Brenda all the way.
- I had an absolutely AMAZING time this weekend meeting up with Otin and MG in the city. I wish we could do it at least once a month. I would also like to mention that Otin is NOT a weirdo. Haha

-I'm really tired of the Facebook statuses that keep saying "miss you baby", "<3 you", and have the date you and your boyfriend hooked up. No one cares that you're in love and you're making me ill.

-I really wish that these damn New York teams would stop allowing the Pennsylvania teams to win! The Yankees are still up but WTF happened to the Giants?!?! I'm not sure what they're defense is doing but they need to pull it the f*** together!

Check out UnMom for the original RTT