Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger

I had a terrible, horrendous, nightmarish day...and yet I almost peed my pants watching this video.

Try it out...I dare you not to smile.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Don't Mislead Me, Dick

So my friend and I have kind of become obsessed with The Advice Annex. It's pretty much this crazy funny chick who has as much trouble with men and life as we do. The difference is that she makes podcasts and youtube videos with her true likeness while I hide behind this anonymous snowflake over here.

Please forgive my cowardice.

Anywho...my friend posted this video to my Stalkbook wall and I found it inspiring. So inspiring in fact that I feel the need to share my own take on things that men shouldn't do (mostly because if I shared it on Stalkbook, these pricks would know I was still angry about it).

Her number one is great. Bring money on a date. Excellent idea. I was kind of almost seeing someone once who never paid for me when we went out to eat. I was forced to eat salads and other inexpensive items from the menu. He probably thought I was trying to be dainty and girly when I was really just poor.

Number seven is the real kicker. Don't mislead me, Dick! This means that you shouldn't go on a date with your best friend's cousin on Saturday night, tell her Sunday morning that you want to see her immediately and then drive to her house a half hour away and TURN HER CLADDAGH RING IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CALL HER IN TWO WEEKS! That's right, folks. My Claddagh ring was mistreated. Ask any Irish girl you know and they'll tell you the deal with the Claddagh. When the hands are holding the heart away from you, it means you're single. When the hands are facing the heart into wrist it means you're in love and going to get married...for serious. Soul mate type shit. Don't ask what the ring means, listen for me to give you the full Irish story about it, and then decide to turn it if you're just going to dump me two weeks later (because "it's too weird" that I'm your best friend's cousin) while I'm wearing a broken flip flop and standing in a 3 inch puddle. Please just don't do it. It's painful.

Why am I still friends with this prick on Stalkbook?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Finding The One is a Family Effort

It's difficult being single. It's even more difficult being single when you're 24 and you've never really been single before. What's more difficult than that is when your friends and family members want you to meet their cousins, nephews, boyfriends brother, and every other single man in their life. It's exhausting having to meet all these people. Sometimes I can't even distinguish between them and I'm forced to give them terrible nicknames based on profession (i.e. "Mr. Zumba", "Hot Cop", "Beach Bum").

I was in the car with my aunt the other day when we're driving past a country club of sorts and she suggests I bring one of my girlfriends from work and go to one of their weekly open bbq's. As I was wondering to myself why she thinks I would be interested in subjecting myself to a middle aged meeting where everyone probably just sits around congratulating themselves on life accomplishments and how expensive their kids ivy league tuition is, she tells me that she's never actually been there. The "kid...well he's not a kid, he's a young man" from work goes there with his friends.

Really? She really wants me to go to this mixer and stalk her 20 something coworker. AND she wants me to bring one of my coworkers so they can see how crazy this all is. I know I have a clock that's ticking but I'm still young. I didn't realize it was ticking loud enough for my aunt to hear!

So I ask the question I'm almost afraid to know the answer to. She didn't mention me, did she? Please tell me she didn't mention me.

She didn't mention that I was interested in the country club BBQ...but she did point out the picture of me on her desk.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

He Digs the Crazy Bitch Thing


My friend Eva swears that if you act like a crazy, wild animal guys are really into it. They become infatuated with you and can't get enough. They call and text you all day everyday and just wait at home until you decide you want to see them.

This was never the approach that I took in the dating game, but after this story I'm beginning to think she has a point.

Eva has been dating a guy named Neil for a month or two now and we're not sure how we feel about him. In the beginning he was super attentive and sweet and caring and while he still seems nice enough, we're thinking that after two months and a weekend trip full of gambling and sex, we think we want a little more from Neil. Never has he brought up being exclusive or made a move onto the next phase of the relationship and we don't like it. Yet Eva continues on.

Eva took a weekend trip to Philly. Her friend had booked it months ago for her then boyfriend and invited Eva after she discovered the scumbag was cheating on her. They had a hotel suite, comped drinks, VIP tickets to clubs, the works.

Needless to say they got a little crazy.

So...Eva was supposed to see Neil Thursday night before leaving for her Philly trip Friday morning but he bailed...and that made Eva angry. After a long Friday afternoon of drinking by the pool and soaking up the sun, Eva got the nerve to call Neil and see exactly what he was up to.

Neil: Hey Babe, what's up?

Eva: Don't "babe" me! What are you doing?

Neil: Watching tv with Jay.

Eva: Who the f*** is Jay?!

Neil: My roommate...you've met him about a dozen times.

Eva: Let me speak to him!

Let me first remind you that Eva is NOT Neil's girlfriend. He has never asked her to be his girlfriend and probably never will after the phone calls and text messages that will be sent over this weekend.

Jay: Uh....hello?

Eva: Hello? Is this Jay?

Jay: Yeah

Eva: You don't sound sure.

Jay: I'm sure. I'm Jay.

Eva: Prove it

Jay: It's Jay. I don't know how to prove it to you.

Eva: Fine...I believe you. Are you with a girl?

Jay: No

Eva: Is there a girl there? Are you sure? Was there a girl there last night? Was she still there this morning? I'll f***ing find out if you're lying!

Jay: I'm not lying. There are no girls here.

Eva: So there were girls there before? I want her mother f***ing name!

Jay: There is no name. There was no girl.

Eva: Fine!

She hangs up. At this point Neil calls her several times and she just keeps denying the call. He probably wants to tell her that she's psycho. She eventually texts him telling him to come down to Philly and party with her and her heartbroken friend. He texts back declining her invitation since he has already made plans with Jay for the evening. Then she really starts shit...

"I see...you can break plans with me, but not with your stupid f***ing friends."

Neil doesn't even respond to this text message. Why would he? She attacked the Bromance. The unspoken rule of dating is to not speak against the Bromance (at least not until after the wedding). If this relationship wasn't done already, it definitely is now. She's one of my best friends and I'm beginning to think she's dangerously crossing the line into "clinger" territory.

As if that wasn't enough, Eva is more angered by the fact that she doesn't hear a response from Neil all day. So she waits until it's late enough in the evening that she knows for a fact he's either sleeping or in bed with someone else when she calls to leave her voicemail. But wait...she's on vacation with her heartbroken friend so she feels the need to chime in with her 2 cents as well!

"Hey, Neil. It's Eva. I just....(F*** YOU NEIL!)...Shutup! I'm trying to be nice. I just wanted to call you back and tell you that I'm sorry for what I said earlier...(NO! YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT!)...He can hear you! Anyway...I'm sorry for what I said. You should have a good time with Jay (F*** YOU ASSHOLE!) if that's how you would like to spend your weekend. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight!"

Yeah...I listened to a recording of this message and I couldn't make sense of it. I told her that she didn't just burn the bridge, but collapsed all the tunnels and destroyed all the boats as well. There is no way this guy is ever going to speak to you again. Then she tells me about the voicemail he left her the next day.

"I always have the most interesting voicemails waiting from you on Sunday mornings. I hope you enjoyed your trip. Give me a call when you get back and we'll get dinner. Talk to you soon."

What. the. F***?

Monday, July 25, 2011

Summer Lovin'...Almost

I cannot reiterate my annoyance with men enough. Especially when it comes to their utter stupidity.

I've been on several dates with Mr. Beach Bum since Memorial Day weekend. He's tall, charming, super cute, and his last name would sound great with my first name (all the things I'm looking for in a potential mate). Anywho...for the past several dates, things seem to be getting hot and heavy. We haven't done it yet...but we're going to. Next time.

So next time comes around. We're on the beach, full moon, all the typical love making cliches are set in place. We're totally in the moment. Just like the movies and those trashy romance novels. I'm the main character that everyone wants to be.

The only problem with these novels and movies is that there's never any mention of a condom. EVER. Sure, people get knocked up in the movies but they usually don't go into too much detail with STDs and such. It's like they don't exist. I guess it doesn't make for good storytelling. Imagine you're reading this great love story of the century and the main characters have just realized how in love they are and they're about to consummate the relationship and the author is describing in such great detail the look in his eyes and the way she smells and the sound of the condom wrapper being torn open. Mood killer.

Anywho...that's exactly how it was going with me and Beach Bum on the beach. Everything was flowing together until I knew I could live out my romance novel fantasy no longer. I had to kill the mood by telling him to whip out the condom.

At this point you would assume that any sensible 20 something man would reach into his pocket and pull out a condom. You know...since 20 something men should be prepared for these instances. Especially when it was an almost understood and agreed on fact that this was happening here, tonight, with this hot girl you've been discussing doing this with for the past several weeks.

Not so much...

Instead he comes up with...."Oh, so I have to pull out?"

What do you have to do? You have to do what everyone's been telling you to do since high school! You need to put on a damn condom, Lame Brain! Really? How did you make it into your mid 20's and have no idea what you need to do in order to have sex with a girl?! You're so hot! I wanted you! Imbecile!

The main issue that worries me about this is the fact that I'm now left wondering how many girls allowed Beach Bum to take them to the beach and have his way with them on the beach. More importantly, how many other beach bums had they done it with. And why isn't he concerned about the same thing? I'm cute! Isn't he wondering about how many beach bums I've been on the beach with? He doesn't know me! He doesn't even know that I'm writing this blog about how much of a fool he is!

There's an app on Stalkbook called Sexperation. It takes into account when you had sex for the first time, how many partners you've had, how old they were when you slept with them and tells you how many people you've shared sexual partners with. Just like the game about Kevin Bacon. I filled it out with the intention of telling you what number they gave me...but it was too frightening.

Moral of the story? Wear a condom. Tell your sons to wear condoms so they don't look like fools in front of sexy girls they're trying to get with...or they'll be sitting on the beach alone under the full moon with an awkward boner.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I Need More Girlfriends

Real life conversation with a guy friend from college...

IceQueen1227: Hey...can I ask you a question?

MonkeyFeet87: Why do you women ask that?

IceQueen1227: If I can ask you a question?

MonkeyFeet87: Yeah...you're not really going to give me a choice. You're going to ask me the question anyway regardless of whether I say yes or no.

IceQueen1227: So can I ask you?

MonkeyFeet87: Go ahead

IceQueen1227: Well...Sam asked me out but I'm not sure if I should go or not

IceQueen1227: I mean...I kind of want to, but I know I shouldn't because of how things ended the last time and I really don't want to go through all that drama again.

IceQueen1227: Don't I deserve to just go out, have fun, and meet new people? Isn't that what I should be doing as a single 20 something?

IceQueen1227: But then again on the other hand we used to have a lot of fun together and if I did go out with him it would definitely be a good time.

IceQueen1227: Unless of course I get tipsy, in which case I'll probably end up telling him off like I did at that 80's party last year and I don't really want a repeat of that.

IceQueen1227: Even though my hair looked AMAZING!

IceQueen1227: What do you think I should do? Do you think he has any hidden motives?

IceQueen1227: Maybe it's just a casual thing and he just wants us to catch up on each others lives?

IceQueen1227: ?

IceQueen1227: Are you there?

MonkeyFeet87: Ice, I should have said no to your first question.

IceQueen1227: ?

MonkeyFeet87: I'm trying to jack off right now and every time you message me the red head on the video freezes...I'll call you in 20 minutes.

Why do I bother?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Teach Me How to Zumba! Teach Me, Teach Me How to Zumba!

I was sitting in the passenger seat just minding my own business when my coworker/commuting buddy turned to me and asked, "How do you feel about guys who are into fitness?". I was so blown away by the randomness of the question that I didn't even know how to respond. They're okay...I've never had an issue with people who were physically fit. I've never known any professional body builders or anything, but I'm sure they're okay people.

Then she cut to the point....

"I want to set you up with my friend."

No. F-ing. Way. I am NOT going on a blind date. I've never even been on a real date. My dating career has been made up of guys I had a class with, found attractive, ran into during lunch, and fell in love with (right there in the North Cafe). Now we're talking about dinner? Drinks? I think? Does that sound something like a date to you guys?

"No, he's really sweet. I think you would totally be into him. He's a personal trainer and teaches zumba."

So she shows me the Stalkbook pic...

Oh? My friend is friends with this fine creature? I could do this date thing. I have no clue what zumba is but he can certainly teach me. I give in and she gives him my number. My phone beeps immediately!

"Hey Ice! It's Erin's friend Mickey! What's upppppp?"

Let me first say that I was almost an English teacher...why on Earth would a grown adult feel the need to purposefully misspell "up"? Six p's? Really? How did you get past Kindergarten? I should have said no right then and there but I continued because I love the attention.

So we're immediately chatting and continue to do so for the next week which was totally cool and casual...but then Friday came and it was time for the date. I was faced with my dilemma. I'm about to go on a date with a super hot, super funny, super healthy guy and all I'm going to be able to think about is having a cigarette.

Lord Jesus, have mercy on my cowardice soul.

He picks me up in a Jeep that bears a striking resemblance to that of my Ex's...only he let me smoke in his Jeep. This guy's cuter though...I find this distracting and I'm slowly starting to forget about the cigarette. The first half of the date is going really well. We're chatting about his clients at the gym, my students, our educational backgrounds, what kind of degrees we have and want to have, life in general...you know, good stuff.

Then the conversation continues...

Once the small talk was over I was faced with topics such as..."When did you break up with your last boyfriend?", "Why did you guys break up?", "Let me tell you about the girl I hooked up with after my senior prom...", "How many people have you had sex with?", "What's your favorite position?", "Do you want to come over tomorrow for dinner and meet my parents?" I was speechless

...so I immediately lit a cigarette.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?! Is this what's really out there in the 20 something dating market? My friends always ask me why I stay with boyfriends long after I'm no longer interested in them. This is why...because at times I feel it is better to stay with boring and normal than be seen in a public place with a sex freak who wants to bring me home to mom and dad. It's absolutely frightening.

I don't understand why men are afraid of marriage and commitment...it's the dating around that makes me quiver in my boots.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Nice Kitty!

All day there was a strange stench in the room. My co-teacher and I just couldn't figure it out. Was it a body odor? Left over gas from last night's dinner? Whatever it was, it was horrible and it was definitely coming from one of the children. We literally walked around the classroom all day trying to find the child who had the accident. We kept asking them, "Is your belly feeling okay?", "Do you need to go to the bathroom?". This smell had infected the entire room.

It wasn't until the last hour of the day, when I was helping little Linda with her time telling that it all became very clear to us....

Linda: Miss Ice! Guess what!

Me: What?

Linda: I was playing in my backyard yesterday, and I found a kitty!

Me: A kitty? Was it your kitty?

Linda: No.

Me: Was it your next door neighbor's kitty?

Linda: No! It was a kitty from the woods behind my house.

Me: Linda, what did the kitty look like?

Linda: He was black and white. He was really nice...until he peed on me.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Tiger Buds

It was just an ordinary afternoon in preschool. Mickey was coloring a wonderful picture of a dinosaur...when he started growling

Miss Ice: Mickey, has a monster taken over your body?

Mickey: No, a tiger.

Miss Ice: Oh? Are you a tiger?

Mickey: No, it's the buds.

Miss Ice: The buds?

Mickey: Yeah, I have tiger buds!

Miss Ice: Mickey, are you trying to tell me you have tiger blood?

Mickey: Yes! Tiger bud! It's inside me.

Thank you, Mr. Sheen. I hope you're happy to know that the next generation is already following in your footsteps.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

They Were Out of Tampons...But I Got You These!

I had to stop and use the bathroom on my way home from a visit with friends. I was a little taken back by what was available for sale inside. I had to do a double take to make sure it was a unisex bathroom and that I wasn't in the wrong one.

Only in a college town would you find this contraption on the wall. Ladies, you know where the tampons and maxis and such should be? Yeah....this is the men's version.
Seriously? What if I was bleeding right through my pants? How would any of this help me? If I were a guy I wouldn't have to worry. For a mere $3 I could be the proud owner of the entire 4 Play Series. I would have one lucky lady waiting for me at home...unless I was sent out for a tampon because she was bleeding through her pants.

On a semi unrelated note...this is what the whole bathroom looked like.That's not just the lighting, folks. That bathroom is painted with a fresh coat of celery green. I've never seen a gas station bathroom that had been cared about so much that someone painted it. I was even more surprised to find that there was no graffiti...and this is a college town. I guess the color choice is in hopes of distracting the ladies from the fact that there are no tampons available.

Go figure