Monday, July 27, 2009

My Text Log

My new short term goal is to get on Juvenile, I know but this is yet another thing I am obsessed with. I can be on this site for an hour at a time reading all the dumb texts college kids send to each other. I can't get enough.

I am determined to make it on this site! I make submit texts daily. Sometimes I even reword them to make it funnier. (Most of the time they aren't even drunk texts...just random things my friends send me that if anyone else read they would assume alcohol was involved.) So far I have had no luck but I remain hopeful. If you're ever really bored and looking for a cheap laugh then it's definitely something I would recommend checking out.

I've composed a list of some of my texts will make it onto the world wide web somehow damnit! Here is a peek into my inbox.

"This creepy chick is staring at me from her window. She's a fat grape."

"I made another terrible decision...several times while watching Sin City."

"He walked into the party and said 'dibs'. I can't believe I went home with this douche!"

"I'm thinking about shaving before I go out tonight but I'm not sure the razor burn is worth the risk?"

"I'm at the Waffle Shop with him and I have the same shirt on that I wore to the bar last night. The old people think I'm his whore."

"Take one for the team...come up and check on me in 5 minutes but then go back downstairs and tell him I passed out on the toilet. Hopefully that will turn him off."

"I need a hobby that does not involve the internet. Even I'm beginning to get creeped out by my own facebook stalking."

"I just woke up alone on an air mattress with my ex's pillow and blanket. I hate my life."

For Your Convenience

I recently got a part time job at a local convenience store. Personally I love the reaction I get when people I graduated high school with come in and see me in my little uniform and green visor. They give me this look of pity and I assume they're thinking something along the lines of "I guess she dropped out of college." or "I can't believe she never got a job."

Yes, I finished school and graduated. No, I didn't chose a career that would allow me to support myself.

Anywho...I've created a list of pointers for your next convenience store trip to make your life and the lives of the people who are providing you morning caffeine jolt a little easier.

-If you have change, please don't place it on the counter. I have short finger nails and change is really hard to pick up when it's lying flat on a smooth surface. It's already in your hand. Just wait two damn seconds and hand it to me.

- Do NOT take the coffee from the pot that is still brewing. This is not your home coffee maker. If you remove the pot, the steaming hot liquid will continue to pour out of the spout and I have to burn my pretty little hands cleaning it. Please don't do that to me...I'm someone's child.

-Why can't you just throw the damn sugar packet out??? The garbage is literally 4 inches from your coffee cup. I'm sure if you breathed hard enough it would just fly in.

-Don't bitch at me because the Entenmann's's cakes are 2 for $6 but not $3 each. Yes, you have to buy two to get the price. I didn't make up the sale and to be honest with you I don't care.

-I'm sorry that I am not the master of the lottery machine. Stop telling me to hit the "repeat" button to print different tickets. This machine is probably from 1980 and so the word "repeat" wore of about 10 years ago. You're not going to win anyway.

-Don't tell me how annoying the coffee timer going off is. I know. I'm here for 8 hours and the thing goes off every twenty minutes.

-When I'm checking out your order, don't be an asshole by saying something like "Can't you turn that beeping off?". I could but then you would have to wait for me to get back to the register to ring you up and then you would be bitching about that too.

-When you come in on Friday afternoon, do NOT tell me to cheer up because it is Friday. In case you haven't noticed, I work at a 24 hour convenience store on Friday nights. I also work Saturday and Sunday as well. Friday is the new Monday.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Bible History Part #1

My friend sent me this link on Facebook and I couldn't stop laughing. I thought it would be a nice thing to share on a Sunday afternoon. There is some foul language so if you're not into that then this video probably isn't for you. Although I suppose if you're not a fan of foul language you probably don't enjoy reading this blog very much do you? it is.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Saving My Baby

It's that time again...inspection time. My insurance is up on Monday and my mother has cut me off so now I'm taking out my own policy. I'm actually kind of excited about it. My mom kept me on the insurance until I turned 23 because she's wonderful in that kind of way.

There are other ways she is not so wonderful though. She is not wonderful in the sense of keeping papers...papers like the title to my car. It went missing and she has to get a new one so that I can get one in my name and do all those other fun things the state makes you do to keep a car. My mom also has a suspended license for unpaid parking tickets. That's right...she lost those too. She needs to get a state id card to verify that she is in fact the owner of the car to get a new title. Then I have to get a title in my name, insure the car, register it, trade plates, and inspect it.

This has been the source of my agony for the past week or so. My mom has a habit of making things a much bigger deal then they are. One thing turns into, "Don't come crying to me when you lose your car". Why would I lose my car? Relax Woman!

I've been having a difficult time adjusting to life back in my mother's house since I've been on my own for 4 years (at least it's better than living with him). I feel suffocated and we fight almost constantly. We just have different lifestyles. They say you can always go back home but it's easier said then done.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Is She Gone Yet?

My sister is a BEE-OTCH! She doesn't have a job and so she sits around all day until about 9 pm when she goes out with her friends. I'm not complaining least she leaves at some point in the day. It wouldn't kill her to walk the dog every once and a while though. Her major problem is that she freaks out over things that really aren't a big deal. We have the same arguments daily.

Sister: Where did you get that shirt? IT'S MINE! TAKE IT OFF NOW!
Me: Well it's already on and it's dirty now...can't I just keep it on for the rest of the day?
Me: Well in all fairness you wore my clothes all the way through high school so you kind of owe me.

And this one...

Sister: Did you use my coffee creamer in that?
Me: Yeah, but only a little.
Me: The coffee creamer is for the house not just you.
Sister: I F***ING HATE YOU!


Me: It's not your shirt, it's mine. You took from me years ago and you've had it so long you think it's yours.
Sister: I F***ING HATE YOU!

It's not my fault those clothes look better on me.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Remember Me? Your Friend?

My entire life I've always gone through girlfriends like underwear. I hang out with a girl or group of girls for a while and then eventually we lose touch and don't talk until we randomly see each other at a diner a few years down the road.

For the most part this happens because eventually they all become absolutely obsessed with a boyfriend. Yes, that's right folks. I'm not in middle school or high school or even college. I'm in my twenties and this is still happening to me. I guess I have this aura about me that draws in crazy bitches who don't know what to do with themselves if a guys not around.

Take this story for example, when I was in high school I was on the cheerleading team and I had gotten really close with the girl who was captain. I would go as far as to say that we were best friends at the time. All of a sudden, she got a boyfriend and went absolutely nuts and quit the team because it was taking away from her "Joey time". She was on that team for 7 years and she just up and quit over Joey. And let me tell you...Joey was a loser. He had graduated high school the year before and was pretty much doing nothing with his life but making enough money at his part time job to support his weed habit.

I have another friend now who is having thisproblem post college. She met this guy in college and it was nice and convenient then, but now that they're both graduated and live 5-6 hours away their devotion to each other is slightly irritating. She organizes her work schedule so that she gets all of her days off in a row so that she can make the 5 hour trip to see him. She goes to visit this guy and all he does its talk about marriage and babies (and other shit that I'm too young to even hear other people talking about) then he cries because she's not paying enough attention to him. (Yes! He CRIES. You can't make this up people).

So she texts me Saturday night..."I think I'm going to break up with Sam. This is too much." Ya think? It took you 7 months to figure this out?

Just as I get all excited because I might actually have my friend back I get another text the next night. "God, I love him... :-D". WTF? Less than 32 hours ago you wanted to break it off with him and now you're using emoticons? This makes me sick. Even if you loved your boyfriend enough to not want to break up with him every other day, I still don't need you to text me to tell me how in love you are. It kind of makes me ill.

Do I text you the details of my love life? NO! I don't want to hear how in love you Text me when you get over your emotionally unstable relationship and want to get a drink...without him.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dear So and So

I know I'm not following the right days...I just had to get this stuff out though. Enjoy!

Dear Spikes,
Who do you think you are? The Red Dragon? Really? It's one thing to say this when you own a red Corvette or something equally cool, but last I checked you drove a 2000 Civic. Please don't ever refer to your car as the Red Dragon ever again. Despite recent events that have caused your ego to inflate to the size of your...head! Yeah, I said it! Take your backwards hat wearing ass back to the frat where you belong!

The chick from Jersey

Dear Sister,
You are a scavenger. If I didn't know any better then I would think you lived in a barn. Was it necessary for you to dig out all the crunchies from the Carvel ice cream cake and then leave the empty ice cream shell for the rest of us? Is it necessary for you to take the only gallon of kool aid that I made myself out with you when you drive around with your friends?? Get a damn water bottle!

Love forever,
The classy daughter

Dear Ursula,
You are by far the hardest boss to beat in the entire Kingdom Hearts game. Atlantica is by far the most annoying video game level I have ever experienced. I am not surprised that in the second version of the game they gave you the boot for the Lion King. Serves you right.

Good Riddance,
Frustrated Gamer

Dear Apartment Office,
Please stop sending my roommates late notices for the rent. I know I didn't pay the rent and you know that it was only me who did not pay my share so stop advertising it to that evil bastard. You are on the top of my money owing list and I promise that you will have your money by the 31st when my lease is up anyway!

Down on her luck tenant

Dear Mets,
You're breaking my heart.

Crying in the corner

Dear Kevin James,
When are you going to give up this charade and come marry me?

Hopelessly Waiting

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts

-Over the weekend I lost my ponytail holder and I had to put a rubber band in my hair. My Nana always told me to never do that I feel like I let her down...over a hair tie.

-When driving on the highway I realized that it take me about 4-5 miles to smoke a cigarette. I thought it took more than that but I was mistaken. I guess it would depend on how fast I was going.

-I've come to the conclusion that signs are everywhere and it's not hard to see them. The hard part is trying to figure out what they mean. I can never tell the difference between a bad sign and a good sign.

-If you are driving home from an extended weekend with friends, and you see a real life dead bear on the side of the road that is so HUGE it comes up to your car NOT text everyone you know about it and do NOT share size and location details with your sister while driving. You will end up like the bear...dead on the side of the road.

-When I saw Wicked the other day there was a man in Times Square selling Obama Condoms and now I cannot stop thinking about "the ultimate stimulus package".

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Don't Graduate, Celebrate!

I just got back from an amazing trip to my college town and got to see some old friends from back in the day. The county hold their annual fair right near the campus and it's a big weekend for students and alumni to make some memories. It felt like it was just yesterday that we were all living down the hall from each other and starting trouble all over that small town.

Between meeting up with random old flames and being invited for tequila shots with strangers it was really like we never left the place. In fact, I'll have you all know that someone asked me if I was a freshman and when I replied I was Alumni I think he wet himself. I didn't realize I looked so young. =) I decided that if I were rich I wouldn't go on a fancy trip or buy a fast car. Not me. I would become the next Ryan Reynolds as Van Wilder. I would strategically remain 3 credits short from graduating with a degree in at least 4 different majors. Yeah, if I had a million dollars I'd stay in college forever. Or buy you a always wanted a monkey.

I saw a dead bear on the side of the road on my way back. I wish I saw it sooner so that I could have gotten a good pic. I almost ran myself off the road trying to text everyone I knew what I just saw. My sister was the only one who was really excited about it though. We were launched in a full text conversation about the size and location of this dead bear and I almost ran myself off the road...again.

I have Wicked today and I'm very excited. I love going into the city and I haven't been there in over a year. I'm hoping something funny happens but as I sit here thinking about it, how can it not?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Random Wednesday Thoughts

That's right, my friends. I'm jumping on the least I'm making it on my own day. Take that! Here it goes.

-The quizzes and applications on Facebook are getting to be ridiculous. I love lazy, time wasting quizzes just as much as the next person but I found one entitled "Are you a virgin?". Really? If you need a quiz to figure that out then you have bigger problems.

-I have to pay for laundry in my apartment and I cannot understand why people feel the need to leave their laundry in the machines for hours on end. This is not your private machine in your apartment. You do not have the luxury of leaving you laundry in there until you need to wear it. Take it out.

-I really want a blender. I've never owned one before and sometimes I get sad thinking about all the awesome things I could do with one. When I get some money I'm going to invest in a Magic Bullet. They're so badass.

-I think my roommate won the contest. Roomie came up with "You can have my bottle to set off your rocket." The best I could come up with "When are we starting the fireworks?", to which I received the response "9 I think". Roomie literally told me what time the fireworks started. I am lame.

-I'm very excited about returning to my college town tomorrow to relive my experience with some old friends. The sad part is that this will be one of the two most exciting things I will do this summer. The second is going to see Wicked on Sunday! (I'm 23 and my summer has peaked at mid July. Sad.)

-I hate when you really like a song and you learn all the words but then realize that the singer is not saying what you originally thought. It really bothers me since I know that my lyrics are better.

Next week I'll keep notes and post my thoughts on time.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Independent Mission

Happy 4th of July one and all! I have a very special blog today. Every holiday my old roommate and I send each other cheesy pick up lines that have something to do with the holiday. I think one of my favorites was from Thanksgiving...

"Is that your turkey timer or are you just happy to see me?"

The problem is I cannot think of a single one for Independence Day. Can anyone help me out? Please.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

You're How Old?

They're building a new train station in my home town and in order to do this they need to knock down a Burger Kind that's been there for the past decade or so. My dad used to live 2 blocks away from the Burger King and took us there all the time when it first opened.

This Burger King is no more but I remember the last time I was there. I was reminded of the interaction I had with the drive through worker as I drove past the train station the other day. It was a rainy night last summer and a friend and I got a late night craving for a slobericious Whopper. We drove up and I noticed the sign on the window.

Last Day: July 25, 2008

I immediately turned into my reminiscent self and got all emotional. I then made the mistake of sharing my feelings with the girl helping me.

Me: Oh my God, I can't believe you guys are closing. I remember when you opened.
Brat Face: Umm...this place has been open for 13 years.
Me: ....yeah
Brat Face: I was 3 when this place opened. You remember 13 years ago?!?! Damn!

This will forever go down in my memory as the first time anyone has considered me old. I'm too young for this shit.