Monday, June 8, 2009

Am I Really This Crazy?

I am convinced that I have an anxiety disorder. I live with my ex boyfriend (you may remember him from this entry). If I could go back in time that would be the one piece of advice I would listen too.

"Don't move in with that kid. It won't end well." didn't.

Anyway, for the most part he's always at his new girlfriend's house which makes for a calming home life. I come and go as I please (or at least as much as the dog will allow me) and there are no fights.

Today Fuckface decided to come home for once with his girlfriend. I was just sitting on the couch, reading some blogs, watching what not to wear, and all of a sudden the dog runs for the door. Shit. There was no time for me to move or do anything. Just sit there and pretend to type absolutely nothing on my laptop.

They immediately went upstairs and I assumed that would be the end of it. "Okay...just relax. He's just here to get more clothes. They'll be gone in 5 minutes tops."

Then they came back down. I could hear her voice asking him something. The kitchen light went on and he started clearing things off the table. I went into a panic. "Oh my God. He's doing something. He just moved the dog's food."

The dog went to check it my dog left me. I am completely and utterly alone. My hands begin to tremble. I am not over exaggerating for creative purposes. This really just happened.

Then he walked into the living room and right up to the tv. He was right in front of me. I saw her shadow on the floor in the kitchen and he was standing right next to me. My heart was pounding and I began sweating. He began taking pictures of the tv.

I think he's going to sell the furniture on ebay. I am leaving this shit hole in 9 days. He can't wait until then to hang out and take all these pictures when me and my traitor dog are long gone??? I am frozen in shear panic. Of what? Of him speaking to me? of him starting something? I couldn't even tell you. I was just absolutely broken down by his shear presence that I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe and really wanted to reach for my inhaler but then he would have known. We were together long enough for him to know that I am absolutely panicked by situations like this. I bet he's getting some sort of sick pleasure out of this and the two of them are going to laugh about the fact that I'm going to fucking lose it once they walk out the door. All I can do is continue to type nonsense like a mad woman in a blank word document I had opened up.

kdjfaiusdifaj. hahaha.....a lkjwehrkalw i'll be okay alksjdlakher you can do this alskdlkhaslkdjfoiw don't freak out now!

Then he stopped and looked at me.

Please for the love of God, if you ever appreciated me as a human being you will take what you have so far and let me go in peace. I beg of you. Haven't you put me through enough torture when you tried to kill my rabbit and completely embarassed me in front of my friends time and time again? You can't just let me live the next nine days without another panic attack emergency room visit?

"Can you move so I can take pictures of the couches?"


I'm not sure how much time passed. She was staring at me, he was staring at me, I'm not even sure what I was staring at but it all went blank. It wasn't until my dog growled at him that I was shaken out of it and made my way up to my bedroom to lock the door behind me.

Now I'm just sitting....waiting...maybe they'll leave soon.

If there's a God they will....


Hit 40 said...

Oh my heavens!!! I am so scared for you!!!!! WTF!!

Do you have anywhere to go before the 9 days?? Why 9 days?? I must have missed something. Can you change the locks or ADD A LOCK!!! For the love of god!!! This is ridiculous.


otin said...

Any time that you live with an ex, there is going to be anxiety and drama. I realize that there are situations that arise that force us to live in strange situations, my mom and her second husband lived in the same house for a year after they were divorced. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling, as a matter of fact, it just shows that you have the correct feelings! I would think it was weird if you were comfortable with the situation. Do your 9 days and don't look back! As the end draws near, the stress will get worse, just hang in there, you are not going nuts or anything like that!

sAm said...

Nine days. Nine unbelievably long days. Good luck, dear - this sounds like hell.

Ice Queen said...

@ 40: I technically can't kick him out because he's still on the lease. Sucks.

@ Otin: Makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who's been forced to live with an ex. Haha. I'm moving out on the 17th and I can't wait!

@ Sam: Thanks for the wishes of luck. I'll need it.

Hit 40 said...

I know a couple who has masking down the middle of several rooms!!

Sarah K said...

poor girl! omg, we don't want you to have a panic attack!! deep breathing, detachment (emotionally, or visualizing their heads being detached, whatev..) 9 days will fly by. can you call someone next time it happens?? that'll be a good distraction, and safety. stay strong!

Ice Queen said...

@ 40: Now THAT is crazy.

@Sarah: Heads being detached is good...or just his. I have nothing against her.

rxBambi said...

Wow. Great post if it wasn't your life. I felt like I was reading a mystery. Now 9 days are down to 8, so just one step at a time. Good luck, I'll be thinking about you

Hit 40 said...

I am impressed you understood masking tape!!! LOL I leave words out all the time.

I watch the C shows for my boys.