Sunday, July 31, 2011

Finding The One is a Family Effort

It's difficult being single. It's even more difficult being single when you're 24 and you've never really been single before. What's more difficult than that is when your friends and family members want you to meet their cousins, nephews, boyfriends brother, and every other single man in their life. It's exhausting having to meet all these people. Sometimes I can't even distinguish between them and I'm forced to give them terrible nicknames based on profession (i.e. "Mr. Zumba", "Hot Cop", "Beach Bum").

I was in the car with my aunt the other day when we're driving past a country club of sorts and she suggests I bring one of my girlfriends from work and go to one of their weekly open bbq's. As I was wondering to myself why she thinks I would be interested in subjecting myself to a middle aged meeting where everyone probably just sits around congratulating themselves on life accomplishments and how expensive their kids ivy league tuition is, she tells me that she's never actually been there. The "kid...well he's not a kid, he's a young man" from work goes there with his friends.

Really? She really wants me to go to this mixer and stalk her 20 something coworker. AND she wants me to bring one of my coworkers so they can see how crazy this all is. I know I have a clock that's ticking but I'm still young. I didn't realize it was ticking loud enough for my aunt to hear!

So I ask the question I'm almost afraid to know the answer to. She didn't mention me, did she? Please tell me she didn't mention me.

She didn't mention that I was interested in the country club BBQ...but she did point out the picture of me on her desk.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

He Digs the Crazy Bitch Thing


My friend Eva swears that if you act like a crazy, wild animal guys are really into it. They become infatuated with you and can't get enough. They call and text you all day everyday and just wait at home until you decide you want to see them.

This was never the approach that I took in the dating game, but after this story I'm beginning to think she has a point.

Eva has been dating a guy named Neil for a month or two now and we're not sure how we feel about him. In the beginning he was super attentive and sweet and caring and while he still seems nice enough, we're thinking that after two months and a weekend trip full of gambling and sex, we think we want a little more from Neil. Never has he brought up being exclusive or made a move onto the next phase of the relationship and we don't like it. Yet Eva continues on.

Eva took a weekend trip to Philly. Her friend had booked it months ago for her then boyfriend and invited Eva after she discovered the scumbag was cheating on her. They had a hotel suite, comped drinks, VIP tickets to clubs, the works.

Needless to say they got a little crazy.

So...Eva was supposed to see Neil Thursday night before leaving for her Philly trip Friday morning but he bailed...and that made Eva angry. After a long Friday afternoon of drinking by the pool and soaking up the sun, Eva got the nerve to call Neil and see exactly what he was up to.

Neil: Hey Babe, what's up?

Eva: Don't "babe" me! What are you doing?

Neil: Watching tv with Jay.

Eva: Who the f*** is Jay?!

Neil: My've met him about a dozen times.

Eva: Let me speak to him!

Let me first remind you that Eva is NOT Neil's girlfriend. He has never asked her to be his girlfriend and probably never will after the phone calls and text messages that will be sent over this weekend.

Jay: Uh....hello?

Eva: Hello? Is this Jay?

Jay: Yeah

Eva: You don't sound sure.

Jay: I'm sure. I'm Jay.

Eva: Prove it

Jay: It's Jay. I don't know how to prove it to you.

Eva: Fine...I believe you. Are you with a girl?

Jay: No

Eva: Is there a girl there? Are you sure? Was there a girl there last night? Was she still there this morning? I'll f***ing find out if you're lying!

Jay: I'm not lying. There are no girls here.

Eva: So there were girls there before? I want her mother f***ing name!

Jay: There is no name. There was no girl.

Eva: Fine!

She hangs up. At this point Neil calls her several times and she just keeps denying the call. He probably wants to tell her that she's psycho. She eventually texts him telling him to come down to Philly and party with her and her heartbroken friend. He texts back declining her invitation since he has already made plans with Jay for the evening. Then she really starts shit...

"I can break plans with me, but not with your stupid f***ing friends."

Neil doesn't even respond to this text message. Why would he? She attacked the Bromance. The unspoken rule of dating is to not speak against the Bromance (at least not until after the wedding). If this relationship wasn't done already, it definitely is now. She's one of my best friends and I'm beginning to think she's dangerously crossing the line into "clinger" territory.

As if that wasn't enough, Eva is more angered by the fact that she doesn't hear a response from Neil all day. So she waits until it's late enough in the evening that she knows for a fact he's either sleeping or in bed with someone else when she calls to leave her voicemail. But wait...she's on vacation with her heartbroken friend so she feels the need to chime in with her 2 cents as well!

"Hey, Neil. It's Eva. I just....(F*** YOU NEIL!)...Shutup! I'm trying to be nice. I just wanted to call you back and tell you that I'm sorry for what I said earlier...(NO! YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT!)...He can hear you! Anyway...I'm sorry for what I said. You should have a good time with Jay (F*** YOU ASSHOLE!) if that's how you would like to spend your weekend. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight!"

Yeah...I listened to a recording of this message and I couldn't make sense of it. I told her that she didn't just burn the bridge, but collapsed all the tunnels and destroyed all the boats as well. There is no way this guy is ever going to speak to you again. Then she tells me about the voicemail he left her the next day.

"I always have the most interesting voicemails waiting from you on Sunday mornings. I hope you enjoyed your trip. Give me a call when you get back and we'll get dinner. Talk to you soon."

What. the. F***?

Monday, July 25, 2011

Summer Lovin'...Almost

I cannot reiterate my annoyance with men enough. Especially when it comes to their utter stupidity.

I've been on several dates with Mr. Beach Bum since Memorial Day weekend. He's tall, charming, super cute, and his last name would sound great with my first name (all the things I'm looking for in a potential mate). Anywho...for the past several dates, things seem to be getting hot and heavy. We haven't done it yet...but we're going to. Next time.

So next time comes around. We're on the beach, full moon, all the typical love making cliches are set in place. We're totally in the moment. Just like the movies and those trashy romance novels. I'm the main character that everyone wants to be.

The only problem with these novels and movies is that there's never any mention of a condom. EVER. Sure, people get knocked up in the movies but they usually don't go into too much detail with STDs and such. It's like they don't exist. I guess it doesn't make for good storytelling. Imagine you're reading this great love story of the century and the main characters have just realized how in love they are and they're about to consummate the relationship and the author is describing in such great detail the look in his eyes and the way she smells and the sound of the condom wrapper being torn open. Mood killer.

Anywho...that's exactly how it was going with me and Beach Bum on the beach. Everything was flowing together until I knew I could live out my romance novel fantasy no longer. I had to kill the mood by telling him to whip out the condom.

At this point you would assume that any sensible 20 something man would reach into his pocket and pull out a condom. You know...since 20 something men should be prepared for these instances. Especially when it was an almost understood and agreed on fact that this was happening here, tonight, with this hot girl you've been discussing doing this with for the past several weeks.

Not so much...

Instead he comes up with...."Oh, so I have to pull out?"

What do you have to do? You have to do what everyone's been telling you to do since high school! You need to put on a damn condom, Lame Brain! Really? How did you make it into your mid 20's and have no idea what you need to do in order to have sex with a girl?! You're so hot! I wanted you! Imbecile!

The main issue that worries me about this is the fact that I'm now left wondering how many girls allowed Beach Bum to take them to the beach and have his way with them on the beach. More importantly, how many other beach bums had they done it with. And why isn't he concerned about the same thing? I'm cute! Isn't he wondering about how many beach bums I've been on the beach with? He doesn't know me! He doesn't even know that I'm writing this blog about how much of a fool he is!

There's an app on Stalkbook called Sexperation. It takes into account when you had sex for the first time, how many partners you've had, how old they were when you slept with them and tells you how many people you've shared sexual partners with. Just like the game about Kevin Bacon. I filled it out with the intention of telling you what number they gave me...but it was too frightening.

Moral of the story? Wear a condom. Tell your sons to wear condoms so they don't look like fools in front of sexy girls they're trying to get with...or they'll be sitting on the beach alone under the full moon with an awkward boner.