Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger

I had a terrible, horrendous, nightmarish day...and yet I almost peed my pants watching this video.

Try it out...I dare you not to smile.

Don't Mislead Me, Dick

So my friend and I have kind of become obsessed with The Advice Annex. It's pretty much this crazy funny chick who has as much trouble with men and life as we do. The difference is that she makes podcasts and youtube videos with her true likeness while I hide behind this anonymous snowflake over here.

Please forgive my cowardice.

Anywho...my friend posted this video to my Stalkbook wall and I found it inspiring. So inspiring in fact that I feel the need to share my own take on things that men shouldn't do (mostly because if I shared it on Stalkbook, these pricks would know I was still angry about it).



Her number one is great. Bring money on a date. Excellent idea. I was kind of almost seeing someone once who never paid for me when we went out to eat. I was forced to eat salads and other inexpensive items from the menu. He probably thought I was trying to be dainty and girly when I was really just poor.

Number seven is the real kicker. Don't mislead me, Dick! This means that you shouldn't go on a date with your best friend's cousin on Saturday night, tell her Sunday morning that you want to see her immediately and then drive to her house a half hour away and TURN HER CLADDAGH RING IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CALL HER IN TWO WEEKS! That's right, folks. My Claddagh ring was mistreated. Ask any Irish girl you know and they'll tell you the deal with the Claddagh. When the hands are holding the heart away from you, it means you're single. When the hands are facing the heart into wrist it means you're in love and going to get married...for serious. Soul mate type shit. Don't ask what the ring means, listen for me to give you the full Irish story about it, and then decide to turn it if you're just going to dump me two weeks later (because "it's too weird" that I'm your best friend's cousin) while I'm wearing a broken flip flop and standing in a 3 inch puddle. Please just don't do it. It's painful.

Why am I still friends with this prick on Stalkbook?

Finding The One is a Family Effort

It's difficult being single. It's even more difficult being single when you're 24 and you've never really been single before. What's more difficult than that is when your friends and family members want you to meet their cousins, nephews, boyfriends brother, and every other single man in their life. It's exhausting having to meet all these people. Sometimes I can't even distinguish between them and I'm forced to give them terrible nicknames based on profession (i.e. "Mr. Zumba", "Hot Cop", "Beach Bum").

I was in the car with my aunt the other day when we're driving past a country club of sorts and she suggests I bring one of my girlfriends from work and go to one of their weekly open bbq's. As I was wondering to myself why she thinks I would be interested in subjecting myself to a middle aged meeting where everyone probably just sits around congratulating themselves on life accomplishments and how expensive their kids ivy league tuition is, she tells me that she's never actually been there. The "kid...well he's not a kid, he's a young man" from work goes there with his friends.

Really? She really wants me to go to this mixer and stalk her 20 something coworker. AND she wants me to bring one of my coworkers so they can see how crazy this all is. I know I have a clock that's ticking but I'm still young. I didn't realize it was ticking loud enough for my aunt to hear!

So I ask the question I'm almost afraid to know the answer to. She didn't mention me, did she? Please tell me she didn't mention me.

She didn't mention that I was interested in the country club BBQ...but she did point out the picture of me on her desk.

Awesome.

He Digs the Crazy Bitch Thing

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS DID NOT HAPPEN TO ME. I'M CRAZY...BUT IM NOT THAT CRAZY.

My friend Eva swears that if you act like a crazy, wild animal guys are really into it. They become infatuated with you and can't get enough. They call and text you all day everyday and just wait at home until you decide you want to see them.

This was never the approach that I took in the dating game, but after this story I'm beginning to think she has a point.

Eva has been dating a guy named Neil for a month or two now and we're not sure how we feel about him. In the beginning he was super attentive and sweet and caring and while he still seems nice enough, we're thinking that after two months and a weekend trip full of gambling and sex, we think we want a little more from Neil. Never has he brought up being exclusive or made a move onto the next phase of the relationship and we don't like it. Yet Eva continues on.

Eva took a weekend trip to Philly. Her friend had booked it months ago for her then boyfriend and invited Eva after she discovered the scumbag was cheating on her. They had a hotel suite, comped drinks, VIP tickets to clubs, the works.

Needless to say they got a little crazy.

So...Eva was supposed to see Neil Thursday night before leaving for her Philly trip Friday morning but he bailed...and that made Eva angry. After a long Friday afternoon of drinking by the pool and soaking up the sun, Eva got the nerve to call Neil and see exactly what he was up to.

Neil: Hey Babe, what's up?

Eva: Don't "babe" me! What are you doing?

Neil: Watching tv with Jay.

Eva: Who the f*** is Jay?!

Neil: My roommate...you've met him about a dozen times.

Eva: Let me speak to him!

Let me first remind you that Eva is NOT Neil's girlfriend. He has never asked her to be his girlfriend and probably never will after the phone calls and text messages that will be sent over this weekend.

Jay: Uh....hello?

Eva: Hello? Is this Jay?

Jay: Yeah

Eva: You don't sound sure.

Jay: I'm sure. I'm Jay.

Eva: Prove it

Jay: It's Jay. I don't know how to prove it to you.

Eva: Fine...I believe you. Are you with a girl?

Jay: No

Eva: Is there a girl there? Are you sure? Was there a girl there last night? Was she still there this morning? I'll f***ing find out if you're lying!

Jay: I'm not lying. There are no girls here.

Eva: So there were girls there before? I want her mother f***ing name!

Jay: There is no name. There was no girl.

Eva: Fine!

She hangs up. At this point Neil calls her several times and she just keeps denying the call. He probably wants to tell her that she's psycho. She eventually texts him telling him to come down to Philly and party with her and her heartbroken friend. He texts back declining her invitation since he has already made plans with Jay for the evening. Then she really starts shit...

"I see...you can break plans with me, but not with your stupid f***ing friends."

Neil doesn't even respond to this text message. Why would he? She attacked the Bromance. The unspoken rule of dating is to not speak against the Bromance (at least not until after the wedding). If this relationship wasn't done already, it definitely is now. She's one of my best friends and I'm beginning to think she's dangerously crossing the line into "clinger" territory.

As if that wasn't enough, Eva is more angered by the fact that she doesn't hear a response from Neil all day. So she waits until it's late enough in the evening that she knows for a fact he's either sleeping or in bed with someone else when she calls to leave her voicemail. But wait...she's on vacation with her heartbroken friend so she feels the need to chime in with her 2 cents as well!

"Hey, Neil. It's Eva. I just....(F*** YOU NEIL!)...Shutup! I'm trying to be nice. I just wanted to call you back and tell you that I'm sorry for what I said earlier...(NO! YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT!)...He can hear you! Anyway...I'm sorry for what I said. You should have a good time with Jay (F*** YOU ASSHOLE!) if that's how you would like to spend your weekend. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight!"

Yeah...I listened to a recording of this message and I couldn't make sense of it. I told her that she didn't just burn the bridge, but collapsed all the tunnels and destroyed all the boats as well. There is no way this guy is ever going to speak to you again. Then she tells me about the voicemail he left her the next day.

"I always have the most interesting voicemails waiting from you on Sunday mornings. I hope you enjoyed your trip. Give me a call when you get back and we'll get dinner. Talk to you soon."

What. the. F***?

Summer Lovin'...Almost

I cannot reiterate my annoyance with men enough. Especially when it comes to their utter stupidity.

I've been on several dates with Mr. Beach Bum since Memorial Day weekend. He's tall, charming, super cute, and his last name would sound great with my first name (all the things I'm looking for in a potential mate). Anywho...for the past several dates, things seem to be getting hot and heavy. We haven't done it yet...but we're going to. Next time.

So next time comes around. We're on the beach, full moon, all the typical love making cliches are set in place. We're totally in the moment. Just like the movies and those trashy romance novels. I'm the main character that everyone wants to be.

The only problem with these novels and movies is that there's never any mention of a condom. EVER. Sure, people get knocked up in the movies but they usually don't go into too much detail with STDs and such. It's like they don't exist. I guess it doesn't make for good storytelling. Imagine you're reading this great love story of the century and the main characters have just realized how in love they are and they're about to consummate the relationship and the author is describing in such great detail the look in his eyes and the way she smells and the sound of the condom wrapper being torn open. Mood killer.

Anywho...that's exactly how it was going with me and Beach Bum on the beach. Everything was flowing together until I knew I could live out my romance novel fantasy no longer. I had to kill the mood by telling him to whip out the condom.

At this point you would assume that any sensible 20 something man would reach into his pocket and pull out a condom. You know...since 20 something men should be prepared for these instances. Especially when it was an almost understood and agreed on fact that this was happening here, tonight, with this hot girl you've been discussing doing this with for the past several weeks.

Not so much...

Instead he comes up with...."Oh, so I have to pull out?"

What do you have to do? You have to do what everyone's been telling you to do since high school! You need to put on a damn condom, Lame Brain! Really? How did you make it into your mid 20's and have no idea what you need to do in order to have sex with a girl?! You're so hot! I wanted you! Imbecile!

The main issue that worries me about this is the fact that I'm now left wondering how many girls allowed Beach Bum to take them to the beach and have his way with them on the beach. More importantly, how many other beach bums had they done it with. And why isn't he concerned about the same thing? I'm cute! Isn't he wondering about how many beach bums I've been on the beach with? He doesn't know me! He doesn't even know that I'm writing this blog about how much of a fool he is!

There's an app on Stalkbook called Sexperation. It takes into account when you had sex for the first time, how many partners you've had, how old they were when you slept with them and tells you how many people you've shared sexual partners with. Just like the game about Kevin Bacon. I filled it out with the intention of telling you what number they gave me...but it was too frightening.

Moral of the story? Wear a condom. Tell your sons to wear condoms so they don't look like fools in front of sexy girls they're trying to get with...or they'll be sitting on the beach alone under the full moon with an awkward boner.

I Need More Girlfriends

Real life conversation with a guy friend from college...

IceQueen1227: Hey...can I ask you a question?

MonkeyFeet87: Why do you women ask that?

IceQueen1227: If I can ask you a question?

MonkeyFeet87: Yeah...you're not really going to give me a choice. You're going to ask me the question anyway regardless of whether I say yes or no.

IceQueen1227: So can I ask you?

MonkeyFeet87: Go ahead

IceQueen1227: Well...Sam asked me out but I'm not sure if I should go or not

IceQueen1227: I mean...I kind of want to, but I know I shouldn't because of how things ended the last time and I really don't want to go through all that drama again.

IceQueen1227: Don't I deserve to just go out, have fun, and meet new people? Isn't that what I should be doing as a single 20 something?

IceQueen1227: But then again on the other hand we used to have a lot of fun together and if I did go out with him it would definitely be a good time.

IceQueen1227: Unless of course I get tipsy, in which case I'll probably end up telling him off like I did at that 80's party last year and I don't really want a repeat of that.

IceQueen1227: Even though my hair looked AMAZING!

IceQueen1227: What do you think I should do? Do you think he has any hidden motives?

IceQueen1227: Maybe it's just a casual thing and he just wants us to catch up on each others lives?

IceQueen1227: ?

IceQueen1227: Are you there?

MonkeyFeet87: Ice, I should have said no to your first question.

IceQueen1227: ?

MonkeyFeet87: I'm trying to jack off right now and every time you message me the red head on the video freezes...I'll call you in 20 minutes.

Why do I bother?

Teach Me How to Zumba! Teach Me, Teach Me How to Zumba!

I was sitting in the passenger seat just minding my own business when my coworker/commuting buddy turned to me and asked, "How do you feel about guys who are into fitness?". I was so blown away by the randomness of the question that I didn't even know how to respond. They're okay...I've never had an issue with people who were physically fit. I've never known any professional body builders or anything, but I'm sure they're okay people.

Then she cut to the point....

"I want to set you up with my friend."

No. F-ing. Way. I am NOT going on a blind date. I've never even been on a real date. My dating career has been made up of guys I had a class with, found attractive, ran into during lunch, and fell in love with (right there in the North Cafe). Now we're talking about dinner? Drinks? I think? Does that sound something like a date to you guys?

"No, he's really sweet. I think you would totally be into him. He's a personal trainer and teaches zumba."

So she shows me the Stalkbook pic...

Oh? My friend is friends with this fine creature? I could do this date thing. I have no clue what zumba is but he can certainly teach me. I give in and she gives him my number. My phone beeps immediately!

"Hey Ice! It's Erin's friend Mickey! What's upppppp?"

Let me first say that I was almost an English teacher...why on Earth would a grown adult feel the need to purposefully misspell "up"? Six p's? Really? How did you get past Kindergarten? I should have said no right then and there but I continued because I love the attention.

So we're immediately chatting and continue to do so for the next week which was totally cool and casual...but then Friday came and it was time for the date. I was faced with my dilemma. I'm about to go on a date with a super hot, super funny, super healthy guy and all I'm going to be able to think about is having a cigarette.

Lord Jesus, have mercy on my cowardice soul.

He picks me up in a Jeep that bears a striking resemblance to that of my Ex's...only he let me smoke in his Jeep. This guy's cuter though...I find this distracting and I'm slowly starting to forget about the cigarette. The first half of the date is going really well. We're chatting about his clients at the gym, my students, our educational backgrounds, what kind of degrees we have and want to have, life in general...you know, good stuff.

Then the conversation continues...

Once the small talk was over I was faced with topics such as..."When did you break up with your last boyfriend?", "Why did you guys break up?", "Let me tell you about the girl I hooked up with after my senior prom...", "How many people have you had sex with?", "What's your favorite position?", "Do you want to come over tomorrow for dinner and meet my parents?" I was speechless

...so I immediately lit a cigarette.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?! Is this what's really out there in the 20 something dating market? My friends always ask me why I stay with boyfriends long after I'm no longer interested in them. This is why...because at times I feel it is better to stay with boring and normal than be seen in a public place with a sex freak who wants to bring me home to mom and dad. It's absolutely frightening.

I don't understand why men are afraid of marriage and commitment...it's the dating around that makes me quiver in my boots.

Nice Kitty!

All day there was a strange stench in the room. My co-teacher and I just couldn't figure it out. Was it a body odor? Left over gas from last night's dinner? Whatever it was, it was horrible and it was definitely coming from one of the children. We literally walked around the classroom all day trying to find the child who had the accident. We kept asking them, "Is your belly feeling okay?", "Do you need to go to the bathroom?". This smell had infected the entire room.

It wasn't until the last hour of the day, when I was helping little Linda with her time telling that it all became very clear to us....

Linda: Miss Ice! Guess what!

Me: What?

Linda: I was playing in my backyard yesterday, and I found a kitty!

Me: A kitty? Was it your kitty?

Linda: No.

Me: Was it your next door neighbor's kitty?

Linda: No! It was a kitty from the woods behind my house.

Me: Linda, what did the kitty look like?

Linda: He was black and white. He was really nice...until he peed on me.

Tiger Buds

It was just an ordinary afternoon in preschool. Mickey was coloring a wonderful picture of a dinosaur...when he started growling

Miss Ice: Mickey, has a monster taken over your body?

Mickey: No, a tiger.

Miss Ice: Oh? Are you a tiger?

Mickey: No, it's the buds.

Miss Ice: The buds?

Mickey: Yeah, I have tiger buds!

Miss Ice: Mickey, are you trying to tell me you have tiger blood?

Mickey: Yes! Tiger bud! It's inside me.

Thank you, Mr. Sheen. I hope you're happy to know that the next generation is already following in your footsteps.

They Were Out of Tampons...But I Got You These!

I had to stop and use the bathroom on my way home from a visit with friends. I was a little taken back by what was available for sale inside. I had to do a double take to make sure it was a unisex bathroom and that I wasn't in the wrong one.

Only in a college town would you find this contraption on the wall. Ladies, you know where the tampons and maxis and such should be? Yeah....this is the men's version.
Seriously? What if I was bleeding right through my pants? How would any of this help me? If I were a guy I wouldn't have to worry. For a mere $3 I could be the proud owner of the entire 4 Play Series. I would have one lucky lady waiting for me at home...unless I was sent out for a tampon because she was bleeding through her pants.

On a semi unrelated note...this is what the whole bathroom looked like.That's not just the lighting, folks. That bathroom is painted with a fresh coat of celery green. I've never seen a gas station bathroom that had been cared about so much that someone painted it. I was even more surprised to find that there was no graffiti...and this is a college town. I guess the color choice is in hopes of distracting the ladies from the fact that there are no tampons available.

Go figure

The afternoon my Nana left me was an exhausting day. So exhausting that I found myself needing an afternoon nap as a way to soak it all in. During that nap I had a dream...(Sorry, not the kind about world peace). The love of my teenage years, who was traveling in Europe at the time all of a sudden returned from his trip and walked into my living room. I sat up, he took the seat next to me and I asked him, "How is it?". He simply responded, "The second act is much better than the first", and I woke up.

To this day I take that as a sign from my Nana. A sign that I was exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment and that she was okay.

I can't say that I've really had a sign like that since then. For the past 22 months of my life, I have been aimlessly roaming not having the slightest idea of where I should be, what I should do, or where I was headed. I found myself in a place that I always thought I was too smart to end up in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's time to grow up...again. I know this because I found a sign. It didn't come to me in a dream like that last one and it wasn't as easy to understand, but I found it. For those of you who may remember that I was working in retail with a Bachelor's degree in education. You may be happy to know that I'm not anymore. I got a teaching position and I start on Monday.

So I toast my cocktail to those of you who believed in me, because I got there eventually.

Can't Read My Poker Face

Recently I had the pleasure of my first adult trip to Atlantic City. I was there one other time when I was too young (by too young, I mean that I was 18) to actually touch anything. We walked through the casino and I was forbidden from leaving the carpeted path, keeping me far, far away from the shiny slots.

This time I was allowed to not only walk up to a machine, but touch it, sit down in front of it, put money into it, and even have a beverage while watching "I Dream of Jeanie" suck away my entire paycheck.

Allow me to rewind for a moment...

I'm not really a gambler and I never would have gone to Atlantic City had I not run into a few old high school friends the night before. We found ourselves talking about the job market and how we all have Bachelor degrees and no real job to speak of (at least I'm not the only one). My friend Randy told me that he makes most of his money in AC playing poker. You see, Randy has been playing poker since middle school and I guess he's gotten quite good at it. I mentioned that I've never been to AC and Randy insisted that I join them the next morning. It felt like a challenge and I decided that I couldn't refuse.

Back to AC...

The Borgata was big, beautiful, and shiny...but it didn't like me as much as I liked it. That's right...the Borgata took almost all of my money. What does one do at the Borgata when she has no money left to gamble? At first I found myself thinking, "That's okay. I'll just go outside for a walk and make some new friends. The boardwalk is a fun place." Not so much...mostly because the Borgata is one of the few casinos in AC that are nowhere near the boardwalk. So there I was alone in the middle of the slot machines while Randy & Company were off playing poker. So I did laps around the Borgata and called some friends on the phone to tell them about my foolish gambling decisions.

As I was left to contemplate what happened and where the day went wrong I got a text from Randy. He told me to come join him in the poker room (I think he felt bad for leading me to my financial demise). I find the poker room and (having no money) just sat behind Randy. As we're chatting he whispers into my ear....

Randy: Dude...that guy across the table looks like Nugget.
Ice Queen: Who the hell is Nugget?
Randy: We went to high school with him. Look at the guy...doesn't he look familiar?

He didn't look familiar...but he did look angry. Apparently he was down about $800.

Ice Queen: I guess...
Randy: Take a picture of him.
Ice Queen: What? You want me to ask him for a picture?
Randy: No! You'll have to sneak one with your phone. He's a miserable bastard so he can't know you're doing it.

I know what you're thinking..."Ice Queen, this sounds like a terrible idea and there's no way this could end well for you." I would agree with you. Is it even legal to take a picture during a poker game? I feel like people would think you're cheating somehow and I would be hauled out of the Borgata in cuffs if I got caught.

On the other hand, it felt like a challenge...

Wait, isn't that how I got myself into this mess to begin with? Yes...that's right. Perhaps I should just quit while I'm behind and take it easy with these challenges I felt I was being faced with.
But then again I find it hard to resist a challenge.

PS...I looked up Nugget from high school on Facebook. He totally looked like him.

Made of Ice...but Still Beautiful

I got the Beautiful Heart Award from Katherine over at Another Day, Another Moment. It's nice to know that even though my heart is a frozen block of ice, someone still appreciates me (Katherine's heart, however is NOT made of ice. You should check her out).Anywho, this award comes with some rules so I'll fill you in on what they are...
Instructions:

1. List 4 things that keep your inner self beautiful.
2. List 4 things that keep you physically beautiful.
3. Share this award with 4 other people that you think have a beautiful heart too.
4. Link the blogs of the people you chose and link the person's blog who awarded you.

Inner Beauty:
1. One of the most important things to remember is that life keeps on moving. Life will keep on moving whether you're there for it or not, so be there. You don't want to wake up one day wondering where those bags under your eyes came from and asking what happened to your youth. You want to be the one who remembered making the most of your youth (that's why you now have bags under your eyes...because you had fun...and probably didn't get a lot of sleep).

2. Life's too short to take anything too seriously. At the end of the day, is it really going to matter that the asshole next door plowed his entire property and left a snow pile the size of Everest on the street to take up not one, but 2 parking spaces? No. You're better off letting that one go. In fact, let all the little things like that go. They don't matter.

3. Lately I've been taking on projects to take my mind of things. I've been throwing a few ideas on paper and trying to turn them into some sort of story. Will it be any good? Maybe not, but I feel better for getting it out. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough (or drink enough wine) to show you something...maybe.

4. I often blast old songs from my childhood. My mother and sister roommates aren't too fond of this, but it makes me feel good. Lately I've been listening to this from my middle school days (don't judge me).

Outer Beauty:

1. I think my biggest advantage is that I know how to apply makeup and when to say no to more of it. You may be thinking to yourself, "That's not that hard, Ice Queen!" and I would have to agree with you. However, you'd be surprised at what some of these crazy women look like. I don't think they have mirrors...either that or they're hookers.

2. I try to smile and be happy. It has recently come to my attention that some of the people who come into my store think I'm a bitch right off the bat. It's because I don't smile and for the most part I'm walking around with a puss on my face. It's something I'm working on...although it's really hard when you hate your job. It would really just be easier if people saw me off the clock because then I'm just a pile full of laughs.

3. I don't eat after 8pm. That's pretty much how I gained over 40lbs in college. I stopped and lost it all. People don't realize how miserable it is to be chubby unless you are or were at one point. I get it and I'm not going back.

4. Good genes? =)

Beautiful Hearts
The Queen @ The Queen of WTF?
MG @ Midtown Girl
Missy @ Life in Left Field
Arexisaurus @ A-rexi-saurus

RTT: Secrets of Love

-Remember when I was talking about Penn State giving me transcript troubles? You know, how I placed the order for transcripts to be mailed out 2 weeks ago? Yeah...they never arrived. If I have to face the force of nature to venture up those mountains to State College I'm going to bring a can with me.

-This weekend I spent my first Valentine's Day single in 10 years. Maybe some of you can do the math on that...I'm not that old. I've had a Valentine every year since I was 13.

I thought about writing a post about it....love. I played around with the idea of writing down things men do wrong, but then I came to the realization that maybe men aren't really doing anything wrong. Even if they were, I'm sure they don't care what I have to say about it. Then I heard this song...
Then I realized that there is no secret to love. It just happens. It usually happens when you're not looking for it...at least that's when it happened for me.

-Speaking of Michael Buble...he's my hottie this week (after many weeks without one). I think it's time to bring them back.
- My friend thinks he discovered the secret to love while watching a movie. The problem with this secret is that it doesn't work on yourself...in fact it won't work if you know about it at all. If you know the secret, you must use it selflessly for others. I'll tell you if you want to know...but if you don't then stop reading....

I'll wait...

...are they gone?

Okay! Here it is! The secret to love...

You need to find 2 people in a room/bar/party who have no idea the other one exists. They need to be 2 completely average looking people (Not gorgeous, not fugly) and if one has already noticed the other this won't work. You go up to each one individually and say something like, "See that guy/girl over there? Yeah, that one. He/she told me you were cute." Once you say this to both of them, the wheels will start turning and one will go talk to the other one. Then you just sit back and watch love develop out of thin air. I'm telling you...these two will be together forever. Trust me on this one.

Okay...the rest of you can come back now.

- Have you ever had one of those days when your iPod or iTunes is on shuffle and it just keeps playing all the right songs? Whatever you're feeling at that moment...the iPod just knows. It's creepy. I'm sure Apple will legitimately come out with a product that will read human emotion. Just like how Mercedes came out with a model that senses when you're dozing off at the wheel and wakes you up. Some people think that's really cool. I think it's the creepy. I'm surprised human beings aren't part machine already.

I'm Off the Clock

Work in a convenience store in a small city and people start to notice you.

This is what happens when I try and go out on a Saturday night with friends. I step outside of the grill for some fresh air and this conversation happens...

Jerk: Hey, ShopSmart girl! Can I get a pack of Parliments?

Ice Queen: Hey! Can you go f*** yourself?

I really said that. I need out.

Thanks for Looking Out for the Alumni

Almost a full year after my graduation, Penn State is continuing to make my life way more difficult than it needs to be. I finally got a position in a local school district (it's low on the totem pole, but I guess in tough times we need to start somewhere). While I've technically had this position for several months now, I haven't actually started yet. Apparently when you want to teach they charge lots of money for little things that prove you're not a menace to society.

City Fee: $10 Not too shabby.

County Substitute Certificate: $127 Seriously? The department of education is charging me to work for them?

Fingerprinting: $72.75 This one really annoyed me. I've already been fingerprinted and can be found in the FBI database, but since my prints were taken in Pennsylvania they don't count in New Jersey? Did my DNA make up change when I crossed the state border? That's right, if I commit a crime in any state they can find me based on my PA prints but if I try to do something like get a job, I can't be found. Go figure.

That brings me to a grand total of $209.75. I'm not going to embarrass myself by telling you all how long it takes me to make that much money. Let's just say that I didn't exactly have that much cash on me at the time (and saving for a new car after totaling the one I just put a few hundred dollars of work into kind of added to the money problem).

Wait...I'm forgetting who I'm pissed at right now. Sometimes it's hard to keep track of these sorts of things. So I got all the money and got fingerprinted, drug tested, and was cleared for tuberculosis. Things are wonderful because I don't have to stand behind a counter and be hit on by creepers anymore.

Not so much...

Literally 15 minutes after getting home from the drug test I get a call from the board of education. They won't accept my transcripts and I have to get the original copy sent from Penn State.

Fine.

I go online to try and get my transcripts. My student account has expired and they won't release my transcript over the internet because they don't know if it's really me or not. I had to call them. I HATE when I have to talk to the people from Penn State. They're all either incompetent or just plain nasty.

Incompetent PSU Employee: Penn State Registrar, Jane speaking.

Ice Queen: Hello, Jane. I would like to request a copy of my transcript.

Jane: Any transcript request has to be made online or by mail.

Ice Queen: I'm not a student anymore so I don't have a login. How do I get my transcript?

Jane: Do we have your signature on file?

Ice Queen: I don't know. I went there for 4 years. How could you not have my signature on file?

Jane: (after looking me up) We don't have it. We won't release a transcript without your signature because we don't know if it's really you or not.

Ice Queen: So I have to come up there and sign a paper before you can release my transcript?

Jane: No, you can print out a form online and fax it to us.

That sounds simple, right? They don't know that it's really me when I request the transcript online, but I can request a signature form online, print it out, sign it, fax it and then they'll believe me?

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

HOW DO THEY KNOW IT'S ME WHO SIGNED THE DAMN PAPER AND FAXED IT IN?

All anyone would need to know is my name and student identification number to get that signature form. By the way...both my name and student id number are on file in the alumni directory. I looked myself up since I couldn't remember my student id number.

I guess it doesn't matter who's trying to get my transcript...as long as someone pays the $10 for it.

The Hairy Goatman

I say the same thing at work everyday.

"People are either assholes or creepers." (I might copyright that...)

Picture me standing behind the counter when a man comes up to me to purchase a sandwich. It's just a typical transaction...until he opens his mouth.

Creeper: You know, there was something I wanted to tell you but I'm not sure it would be appropriate or not.

Oh Jesus...

Creeper: I was in another convenience store and they had these condoms there...

First of all, usually when someone mentions something about another convenience store it has something to do with prices. "This is cheaper at the other store", they'll say. And I'll just kind of brush it off. This, however, was something I wasn't prepare for and I immediately became uncomfortable (not that it stopped him from continuing).

Creeper: Anyway, you know how the Trojan condoms have the Trojan horse on them?

Ice Queen: I'm aware.

Creeper: Well the name of these condoms were "Hairy Goat Man". Well, you can imagine what was on the cover. ::laughing creepily:: Isn't that a terrible name for a condom? Would you use a condom that's named after a goat?

Ice Queen: No, sir. I can't say that I would.

Creeper: Well, maybe it would be a crazy time but I'm not sure I would take the chance.

Ice Queen: Goodbye, sir.

What the HELL is wrong with people? Do I have a flashing, neon sign above my head that only creepers can see saying "Talk to me about condoms"?? What would posses someone to start this conversation with some random clerk who you DON'T EVEN KNOW!!

I'll admit it...I googled the Hairy Goat Man condoms and didn't find anything. This only confirms the creepiness of this man seeing as how I've come to the conclusion that he made it all up in his head.

Don't Ring the Bell In Case She's Still Here

Ice Queen: I'm very hungry.

Mom: I know but I didn't go food shopping.

Ice Queen: Can we order something?

Mom: Not until your sister leaves.

Ice Queen: Why?

Mom: Because she'll start a fight and tell me that I don't have money to spend on ordering food.

Ice Queen: Well when is she leaving?

Mom: In a half hour...her boyfriend's taking her to the movies.

Ice Queen: I don't know if I can wait that long...I'm so hungry.

Mom: Go into your room, wait ten minutes, and then order the food. That way it will be here right after she leaves.

Ice Queen: Genius!

The Ice Queen Has Her Day

An old middle school friend and I just recently got back in touch through the glorious Stalkbook. Nancy and I have been trying to make plans to meet up for several months now but our schedules haven't allowed it. When she invited me to her birthday party I absolutely had to attend. I knew it was going to be a night that would go down in history...and it was.

Back Story: When we were in middle school we weren't exactly part of the popular crowd. Most of our wardrobes were composed of hand-me-downs and free T shirts collected after years of field days. I had to be careful what I wore to school since my mother was friends with one of the taller more popular girls. Whenever she grew out of her clothes they went to me and of course she couldn't wait to point that out to the entire grade when I was wearing her outfits that had clearly gone out of style the previous year. (Did I mention we were 12 years old when this was happening? Apparently 12 year olds are very fashion conscious.)

Anywho, I walked into the party and said my hellos to the group. It was within the first ten minutes of the party when Nancy pulled me aside for a little chat...

"You will never guess who our bar maid is..."

It was one of the fashion critics from middle school. I couldn't believe it. Finally! My day had come! All those years of terrible memories of being humiliated and riding the bus home in tears will be worth it! I'm going to have my revenge! (Of course when I say "have my revenge" I really just mean that I'm going to be annoying and ask her for dumb things like napkins and extra silverware that I clearly don't need and only repay her with the bare minimum tip.) That's right! My braces are gone and I'm fabulous (clerk job aside).

As we're standing in a group of middle school alumn, Bar Wench comes over and asks us if we need anything. She immediately realizes that she knows all of us and says hello...to everyone but me. That's right. I was snubbed. This poor girl had no idea what she just did. I'm not the girl with poofy frizz hair and braces anymore...I'm an Ice Queen and she's was about to get the freeze.

The party had a bottle of vodka along with some cranberry and orange juice. We were out of all three...it was show time.

Ice Queen: Excuse me, we're out of Grey Goose. Will you bring us the next bottle?
Wench: Sure (leaves, comes back with bottle)
Ice Queen: Thank you so much! We're also out of cranberry. Will you bring another carafe?
Wench: Okay...I'll be right back. (leaves, comes back with carafe)
Ice Queen: Thanks, but I didn't realize that the birthday girl is more of a Screwdriver drinker. We'll need a carafe of orange juice as well.

At this point she knew what was happening. She's a bitch but she's not dumb. I thought about giving her a break for fear of my beverages being laced with spit, but by that time it was too late. Even the birthday girl was taking advantage. She was several screwdrivers in and was calling out orders.

"Tell her I would like some wine!"

Who am I to say no to the birthday girl?

"Excuse me, bring us a bottle of Chardonnay!"

She brought the bottle and two glasses. By this time the Birthday Girl and the Ice Queen were dancing to the Lady GaGa and got so over excited that the first wine glass shattered to the ground. Birthday Girl was on a role...she pulled over another employee.

"Excuse me, we have broken glass over here. Will you please ask our bar maid to take care of it before one of my guests gets cut?"

Should we have been more mature about the situation at hand and let bygones be bygones? Perhaps. Did Bar Wench learn her lesson? Perhaps. Was it worth it? Absolutely

Please Hold...I'm a Very Busy Girl

Real Facebook status of a former roomie still in college...

Twin #2 is "on hold with student aid... 20 mins and counting"

I remember that. Calling, waiting, asking "where is my money?". My sophomore year I received a letter under my door that read something along the lines of "If the university does not receive $3,000 by Friday 12:00pm you will be asked to evacuate your on campus housing". Thanks guys.

Now my loan company and I have a different relationship. When it's time to pay them back they don't make you wait for hours at a time to talk to someone. You get bumped right to the front of the line. In fact, they're calling me! I'm so popular. I imagine my name, phone number, and social are posted somewhere in their coffee room. I kind of want to repay the favor and put them on hold. We'll make it a true role reversal.

"Thank you for doing business with the Ice Queen. Your call is very important to her and she will be with you shortly."

I remember the days of waking up every morning and checking that email with the subject line "Direct Deposit of Tuition Refund". I think my last year of college was the worst. I was student teaching and started 2 weeks earlier than Penn State. Of course, Penn State didn't care when I started. They weren't going to give me my loan refund until it was convenient enough for them to do so. I worked all summer in my moms office and it was a rough summer for the family so I was splitting most of our household bill with her. I went back to school with a money order for $267.75 for my first month's rent and a $20 bill ($10 of which went into my gas tank immediately upon arriving in my empty apartment).

I had to make it for 2 weeks with that left over money. To this day I couldn't tell you how the hell I did it, but I did. I went to a gas station and bought a bag of pretzels and began rationing them so that my rabbit wouldn't die of starvation. The sign of a true bleeding heart...putting animals before myself.

Now I'm not as broke but I have to say that it's pretty close. It's an interesting feeling when you realize after the fact that everyone in high school was right...you couldn't afford to go to that big name university.

Do I regret it? Not for a second.