Friday, October 9, 2009

Douchery 101

A guy friend of mine is having lady problems. He's convinced that his only option is to become a douche. He's really working hard to achieve his goal. With the help of some of my friends, we've compiled a sort of cheat sheet for him to go off of.

1. Make sure to have a lame ass nickname for your Civic. Preferably something out of a Will Ferrell movie.

2. Dress up like this guy for Halloween

3.Tell the girl that even though you have football tickets you're not going to go because you feel really bad that you messed up her ticketmaster password and couldn't get them for her too. Then make sure to take off work on Saturdays and attend every game without her. (Just because it's your fault she doesn't have tickets doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy your own.) Be sure to brag later about how awesome it was.

4. Make sure to tell her how much hotter her roommate is than her.

5. Have automatic locks installed in her car for a Christmas gift this year.

6. If she's throwing up, make sure she actually hits the heater and burns her side when you push her over so you can have the toilet to yourself.

7. Keep your phone hidden at all times and make it really obvious that you're hiding it. If she doesn't mention anything about it just give her time. If that doesn't work then make sure to chuckle to yourself when reading a text. When she asks what you're laughing about respond with something like, "What's your issue?" or "Nothing".

8. Always remember Nothing>Madden

14 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

That girl isn't going to know what hit her.

Miss OverThinker said...

Add one more to the list.. don't return her phone calls.. and when she complains, tell her she's being whiny and needy..

Melanie's Randomness said...

God this could be my ex. It boggles my mind why guys result to this. Wouldn't it be better to dump her then torture her?? geez.

Mango Girl said...

Isn't he quite creepy? Sad there are so many like him out there.

Medora said...

Guys normally don't need any help being a douche. The Y chromosome is all the assistance they need.

Ashley.SoItGoes said...

I sure hope his "lady problem" is that he wants to get rid of her, because if he's trying to tell her he loves her- I think he might want to stick to a more tradtional appraoch, like flowers

Ocean Girl said...

I had to refer to the dictionaries (many, one wouldn't do it) constantly since I started blogging. I'm being educated :)

otin said...

#6 sounds like a fun time! lol!

A True Heart Girl in Jersey said...

Tears of laughter at that video. Priceless shit right there.

Kitty said...

that guy clearly gets all his protein requirements from sucking dick.

gobble gobble bitch.

:oP

rxBambi said...

LOL at medora and kitty! Tell me you don't really know guys like this. Please...

blueviolet said...

Yeah, let us know how that douche bag of tricks works out.

White Rabbit said...

Um. What were we thinking. Seriously.

White Rabbit said...

Um. What were we thinking. Seriously.