Saturday, October 24, 2009

Too Young

Five years ago today my stepsister died of a heroine overdose. She was 19 years old. She fell in with a bad crowd while in high school, dropped out, and became an addict. The last two years of her life she spent trying to get clean. She was working 2 jobs and had even gone back to school. She was sick that Friday morning and had a terrible fight with her mother on top of it. She went out to clear her head and ran into her old crowd. I'm not exactly sure what happened or how it went so far. All I know is that they found her in an empty apartment Saturday morning.

My father called me that Monday morning before I was leaving for school. It was my senior year and all I had on my mind was my routine for the homecoming football game the next weekend. Eat, sleep, practice had been my life. I was speechless when he told me.

I wrote in my journal about it the next week. It was the night before the homecoming game and I couldn't think of anything else but that girl a mere 2 years older than me laying in that casket. I've dreamt about it ever since and still do occasionally. In fact, it was just 2 months ago that I was walking down the street and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a blond woman about my age. I could have sworn it was her. This is that journal entry.

Dana:
I don't know how to feel about you right now. I know some people think it's silly that I'm so upset because we didn't even talk. Maybe it is silly. For the past four days I've hardly been able to stop thinking about you. I wish I knew what happened. Did you feel alone? Were you scared? Did you go numb? When I went into that room and saw you there I swear I saw your chest move. You're so young. Do you remember we used to play that game with the crystals and the unicorns? You know, the one you had to play the tape with. Do you remember that? There were four colors and four different powers. I wonder now if you ever thought about it when you were alive. Maybe you were looking for something in and you found it buried in the back of your closet. Your mom told me you saw me on the bus a few weeks ago and you were all the way in the back and I just sat in the front. I wish you would have said hi. I can't remember the last time I saw you...but I can't stop thinking about how I woke you up two weeks ago when I called. My friend said that you're in heaven because it wasn't your fault. It wasn't. I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if you didn't go out that night or even went out with your boyfriend instead. Why didn't they just bring you home? Why did you go out if you were sick even Friday morning? You could have stayed home with my daddy and watched movies. He would have watched a movie with you if you asked him to. It's hard for me to think that I was at a football game and you were so sick...and then I was practicing and you were four blocks away dying. I asked my friend if she thought you were in heaven and she told me that God knows that it wasn't your fault and He let you in. I think she's right. I think you made my daddy remember me. He forgot about me for a little while but he remembers me now. I'm sorry for being selfish. You don't even have a daddy anymore. He doesn't even know your gone. I just want you to know that I think of you and I won't forget you and that I'll remember you as you were when we played that game and not how you were last week. I'll miss you.

I swear I'll never forget her.

19 comments:

Ocean Girl said...

Death is shocking whether it is sudden or expected, young or old. But it must be more shocking if the person is too young and her passing unexpected. Especially so to one that is also young.

I do not know what is the proper thing to say, whenever I think of one who is gone, I'll pray for him or her.

Take care.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I'm so sorry...this is probably a very difficult day for you. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! ((HUGZ!!))

Joanie M said...

Aw, Queenie! I'm so sorry for your loss! That was beautifully written.

hugs for you

California Girl said...

My sincere sympathy to you on this date. It's good of you to share your pain and thoughts with others. If it helps only one person, it's worth it. I know you've heard it before but, it wasn't your fault and you could not have predicted it nor even prevented it.

rxBambi said...

That was beautifully written, and as the mother of teenagers it is so sad. You just ever know when someone is going to break. Thanks for sharing this.

Joanne said...

That is a beautiful note for a complicated relationship you had in your life. No matter how much you didn't communicate she was a relation and part of your life - now she is gone. Of course you will never forget her - nor should you. She was part of your life and taken too soon.

So sorry for your loss.

Rebel Mother said...

This is so sad, especially as she was so young.

A dreadful tragedy.

Thinking of you sweetie

RMxx

~Billie~ said...

Very beautiful entry. I can not even imagine how you must have felt back then and still do to this day.

I do remember that game, though! =)

blueviolet said...

I'm so sorry. I can see how that pain and loss will always be there and probably changed you from that day on.

Alix said...

Two things...

If God let her into heaven (and he did of course) then she does indeed have a father. A daddy. For all eternity.

And

My nephew, Dustin, killed himself and his best friend in a car accident the summer after his high school graduation. They had been drinking and driving recklessly. Dustin was my sister in law's only child. There are no words to describe that kind of shock or pain. There are no words to describe that kind of loss.

I'm so sorry you have this banging around in your heart. But please find comfort in the promise that God is a loving God who is merciful and forgiving. If your stepsister had faith, you will be reunited with her again.

Thinking of you and standing with you in friendship.

Theresa said...

What a loving memorial to your step sister. She was very lucky to have you in her life.

My ex-sister-in-law was/maybe is again (we say that when she disappears) a heroine addict. It is a sad and helpless feeling to know her.

Thank you for sharing your journal entry.

A True Heart Girl in Jersey said...

Sending you my condolences. Watching addiction is life-altering. Surviving the death of someone's addiction is a daily challenge.

Pearl said...

So sad. My best wishes for you. It's a lot to live with...

Pearl

Sweet-Britches said...

Wow. I h*te hearing this happened! It's such a tragedy. She was so young, and you were so young. I can almost feel the pain you were experiencing from your journal entry. I'm sorry, dear heart.

:o(

otin said...

Oh God, I am so sorry for you having to go through this. It really breaks my heart. ((Hug))

Medora said...

I am so sorry for your loss - maybe someone will read this and take the time to think before making choices that will lead to problems like this in their own lives, which ends up hurting not only themselves but those who love them.

Irish Chick Soup said...

I know how it feels to wish that you had just taken the time, that things had happened differently, just by a little, just for one person... you always think there's going to be more time. It's hard and you have my sincere sympathies for your loss.

Melanie's Randomness said...

Oh dear, you poor thing, I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. I'm an only child, but I have 2 cousins that are like siblings. If anything happened to them I don't know what I'd do. Your post moved me to tears. I'm sorry for your loss, & I'll say a prayer for your sister & for you. *Hugs*

Miss OverThinker said...

Just read this post right now.. sorry for your loss.. big hugs to you..